Life and Death

"This is the beginning of a new day.  You have been given this day to use as you will.  You can waste it or use it for good.  What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."

-Author Unknown

In college, I took many philosophy and religion classes and it was then I really began to question my existence. Those "why am I here?" "what is my purpose?"  "what is life all about?" questions.  I moved further away from one specific religion to a more global view.  A belief that there is a higher being and that there is purpose in our existence.  That science and faith can co-exist and that we will never have all the answers.  Even though I felt like I could accept that death was a part of life, I learned it wasn't easy or natural to lose a part of yourself.  It was something that would disrupt the order in my life, yet bring a new balance I never though possible.

I of course knew people that had died; grandparents, relatives, classmates, but I was never truly close enough to any of them to *feel* their absence.  I thought I understood grief from an outsider perspective, but like anyone will tell you it isn't really something you get until you are knee deep in the middle of it.  I didn't get that grief could be all consuming.  The despair, the longing, the helplessness and loneliness that came when a part of you is missing.

Even a year since losing him it is still hard for me understand why a baby would exist, never to leave the womb.  Why did he get such a small glimpse of life?  But I suppose the larger question is why do any of us get get more life than others? Some enjoy 90 long years, enjoying every moment, while others live short lives struggling their way through. There must be some point, some reason for our experiences here on this earth.  Is there a divine reason some only live 1 day, 1 year, or 100 years?  Are their souls needed elsewhere, beyond this world? Or is it merely a failure in biology?

Either way it doesn't diminish my love or longing for him.  The bond of mother and child.  There is no explanation that makes it easier or less painful.  It will always be unnatural and unfair to lose a child.  A death that no mother will ever fully accept. He was a part of me, existed within me for 19 weeks and I am his mother.

While the balance in my life was certainly disrupted, his death brought light to the true gift of life.  The importance of life became a little clearer and all of those 'inspirational quotes' became a little more true.  Sure there were plenty of times I didn't want to accept my new life, his short existence and the physical heartaching pain that endured.  I hated that no one understood and offered less than helpful advice.  But if I couldn't move forward with his memory, living the best life I have been given, then what purpose do I serve for myself, my husband and most importantly my children?

I know I live far too many days on auto-pilot, complaining of everyday difficulties and frustrations.  And even after losing Oliver and knowing the frailty of life, it is still difficult to not be focused on the unimportant.  To not get stressed by the little things.  Cranky children, piles of laundry, planning meals, lack of time and money, pregnancy weight. The list goes on. It is easy to lose perspective and remember truly what is important.  To remember that there are no guarantees for myself or my family.  And when I think of the absence of those closest to me, I am reminded of where my time and energy should be spent.

I still find it odd that death is a part of life yet it is something so difficult to accept. We all know we are going to lose those we love, yet we never want to say goodbye. I suppose because we selfishly want them to always be a part of our lives.  We want them to experience everything we were fortunate enough to experience.  And we want to know they are truly ok. Beyond where we can see them. 

While the last year has certainly brought about more of those "big" questions,  my mind is surprisingly filled with more peace than unrest.  My heart is filled with more love than hate.  And my arms are filled with life.  A beautiful new life.

He reminds me of the beauty of life.  He is here.  Living life.  And every day that he is given, I'm grateful.  Both of my children show me the newness of life, how we grow and experience all that life has to offer.  I get to walk beside them as they take on the world and live their lives. With them, each day is a little brighter and a little sweeter.  They give me purpose.  They give me life.