Bittersweet

I'm learning that life is about savoring the everyday moments.  The ones we think are mundane and not worth remembering.  The way Natalie reads her books and brushes her teeth.  Her gentle touch as she cuddles her bear or the look she gives Daddy when he returns home from work.  Her little hands holding her big girl cup and her look of assurance in every task that she takes on.  I want to remember Carter's little smile and bright eyes. The way he adoringly sucks on his hands. And his look of determination as he tries so hard to will his hands to grab a hanging toy. All of these happen every day, but these little things vanish as fast as they appeared.

These are the little things I rarely ever paid attention to before I had kids because my daily life didn't really change that much. Every year was pretty much the same.  Maybe a new job, new apartment, a fun trip.  But it wasn't watching a new life begin and flourish right in front of me.  And now that I have that chance to watch them change every day, I want to capture it all. Create memories of every look and feeling, so that I can always remember these early days that I first met my children and watched them grow.

But with each smile, look and milestone achieved comes the tiny heartache of watching them grow up. But the bigger heartache is knowing that I'm missing out. Knowing that I will never know these things about a little boy. It is bittersweet as these moments fill me with love, pride and happiness.  But it is a reminder that they are moving further away from being a part of me and becoming their own people.

All of these feelings come as I watch Carter change and reach milestones. We moved Carter into his room two nights ago.  He slept for 10 hours signally a fine transition and a happy little baby in his crib.  He could have cared less, but for me it signaled an end.  An end to the early weeks of late night feedings, snuggling his warm sleepy body, and nursing him as I lay in bed.

 

I'm sure they are a little more bittersweet because he will most likely be our last baby.  While we have plenty of years to decide on having another, at some point there is always an end.  The day when the baby things get packed up.  The crib, the toys and the cute little baby clothes.  My children journey into their own lives, but move further away from my everyday.

At the same time, I love watching my children grow up, learn new things and I can't wait to show them the world and all it has to offer.  I look forward to the new memories we will create as a family as they enter school, find their own passions and venture into the world.  I want them to fully experience life and become amazing people.  Their future excites me and I can't wait to walk along side of them, watching and being there when they need me.

Two months ago, Carter was still in the womb.  Only I knew him, felt him and selfishly got him all to myself.  While I certainly don't mind sharing him now with family and friends, I still need him close.  I find that during my busy days, when I'm attempting to split my time between both of my children, just holding him close centers me and brings me peace.  He reminds me of the journey taken to have him here.  Well truly both of my children have that ability.  They are a very part of my being.

While I know he has to grow up, it is difficult to let go.  I move further away from his amazing birth day.  The first time I saw and held him.  Those first days at the hospital holding his tiny body against mine as he nursed, slept and took in the world for the first time.  And the late nights in our bedroom.  Cradling him and nursing him back to sleep.  These simple moments are the ones I want to always hold on to.

While the little changes are certainly bittersweet, luckily it is a slow 18 year transition.  I'll work on savoring each moment and keeping it in perspective.  Photographing every little treasure along the way.  Remembering how fortunate I am to enjoy each year with my little ones, watching them grow up into amazing people.