Becoming a Mother

Since having Natalie, losing Oliver and now being pregnant again, I can't help but wonder how motherhood has changed me.  I would have never had to deal with the heartbreak of losing Oliver, but in turn I would have never had Natalie to fill my life with so much joy these past 21 months. As cheesy as it sounds, I think like everything in life to feel the greatest about of love, you have to put your heart on the line.  Which means it could very well be shattered.  Being a mother is certainly a sacrifice of your heart, but one that I wouldn't trade the world for.


As most parents tell you, the moment your child is born is indescribable.  You enter a completely different role in your life and it truly isn't anything you can prepare for.  It is a shift in your very being and a love like no other.  I was always amazed when Natalie was born, that she had been in the room all that time.  All through labor and delivery and my pregnancy for that matter, it was her, making a home within my body.  But it was that very moment she entered the world and took her first breath, that I felt like I truly fell in love.  I was filled with so much love for this tiny person and knew she was mine to love and take care of the rest of my life.  Even though I had carried her for 41.5 weeks, that amazement didn't really hit until she was placed on my stomach.  Watching her simply live those first days and weeks filled my heart so full that at times it was painful.  It was and continues to be a love that I've never felt before and one that I try so desperately never to take for granted.


When pregnant with Oliver, my pregnancy was again simple and uncomplicated.  It moved along, and while I was excited for his arrival and to be carrying another life,  I think I waited for delivery to be changed again in loving our new addition.  It wasn't that I didn't love him, but it is too difficult to understand that love and what it really means until they are either born or as I learned, when they die. Even after having already been a mother, it is hard to fully comprehend how that little person will change your life.  You can imagine them squirming around as you feel their kicks, but the impact comes when their tiny body is born. Not only did I go through the devastation of the horrible news, but I still delivered him and went through every emotion as with Natalie, expect on the opposite end of the spectrum.  It was a love that I felt for him, but mixed with a longing, heartbreak, and grief.   My heart hurt this time, but because it was broken and shattered in knowing what we had lost.  I now understood a different kind of a love.  The love for a child, I would never meet and never watch grow up.  It was as transformative as my love for Natalie.  It taught me to love even more as a mother and that really there are no guarantees. 


With this pregnancy,  I'm filled with even more love for this child.  I've experienced both kinds of love and they have altered me as a mother.  I entered this pregnancy with understanding that I could have either outcome, but that regardless this child will be loved.  I've lived through both deliveries and know how beautiful and devastating each can be.

I've felt pain I never knew existed and that feeling of losing a very part of me aids me in always remembering what I do have.  While the heartache and grief has lessened in 10 months, that longing will always be there and that will be my reminder. My reminder to never take Natalie and her brother for granted and to capture every moment.  Her hugs, her sweet breath as she gives me a kiss, her expressions and her tiny voice as she says 'mommy.'  I know how quickly it can all change.  It will always be unfair and there will never be enough time.  The love I've been given as a mother, in all forms, has made me a better person.  I've learned that life can certainly be unfair, but that their is still so much beauty to be had.  I've been given it and see it every day in my daughter's face and my son's little kicks. It is the most fulfilling role I know I'll ever have in my life and one I'm so lucky to be given the opportunity to have.