Savoring the Happiness

In a strange sense, I often think that I am happier now then I could have ever been a year ago.  In a way, I hate to utter those words because 1) it means a member of our family is missing and 2) I'm admitting my happiness which could jink it all.  (If I were a superstitious person.) 

It is terrifying to have this fragile, precious life cradled within that I'm trying so hard to protect.  As if I'm carrying this glass ball, that I worry will fall and break into a million pieces in turn breaking my heart and shattering my world.   I worry that I can't offer enough protection and everything will be lost, all happiness, all love and all hope.  It is this difficult journey of not knowing the outcome and whether or not the tiny fragile life will make it.  Because I've lived the negative outcome, I feel like I'm always looking behind my back waiting for all happiness to be robbed from me.  I try to be optimistic, but realistic at the same time.  The realistic part is most likely nothing will happen with this pregnancy, but it is also realistic to know that there will be hard times again in life.  While there is no anticipating those, when you are only months out from experiencing a life changing tragedy, the wounds are fresh and your guard is up just waiting for the next one to strike.  You become aware of the pain that can puncture your happy life and break your heart.  

While I hate that I have a less optimistic view of the beautiful 9 month journey, I also take nothing for granted. I savor every kick now, every small movement, visualizing my son and how he may look.  Everyday I think about him and the anticipation and excitement is almost enough to bring me to tears.  That may be the extra hormones kicking around, but honestly everything that this pregnancy offers is truly more amazing then I could have ever imagined.  I think because I've lost a baby and know countless other women who have lost babies and still struggle to have just one live child, I know just what this pregnancy means.  It means the chance to experience all that pregnancy is about and finally at the end meet the child, who is loved completely and whose face I have been dreaming about for what seems like ages.  It is the chance to experience complete and true love.

There are so many emotions wrapped up in this pregnancy as I venture into the last half.   I wish I had experienced everything and felt this way with Oliver.  I didn't get the chance to and I wouldn't have understood. I did and would have continued to take things for granted. 

So right now, I'm enjoying every ounce of happiness in my life.  I want to enjoy every minute being pregnant and thinking about our little boy.  I think about Oliver more and what he gave me and the rare gift to better appreciate this life.  I'll continue to hold onto hope and wait patiently for May, when I'll finally get to lay eyes on my son and know once again that there can be a happy ending.