15 Weeks

The anxiety is mounting as I head into this week, only 6 days away from my 16 week ultrasound.  I think I'm terrified that all will not be well, that something will be wrong.  But I think more I'm sad knowing that Oliver made it to around 16 weeks and then something happened.  His heart stopped beating for some reason and we will never know why.  I imagine him moving around, with a strong beating heart, real and alive, just as his sibling is doing now.  This week brings back all of the what should have beens and how everything went so desperately wrong.  I hate that I know exactly what a 16 week old baby looks like and fear this little one will not make it past that stage either. To know I've made it this far and this is where Oliver's journey ended is heartbreaking all over again. The feeling of pain and guilt comes flooding back similar to those early weeks. There are just so many emotions wrapped up with this week, that is is hard not to relive those weeks with Oliver.  Even though when I was 16 weeks, I got the all clear at my appointment and had no idea that he would not make it to my next appointment.

I am so excited about this little one and have not taken one part of this pregnancy for granted.  I knew these weeks would be difficult, but I'm surprised just how strong the emotions are. My emotions are all over anyways from the hormones, but I never thought so many of those early emotions would resurface so strongly. I never anticipated a pregnancy ending beyond 16 weeks, but now I know it is possible and I'm terrified.  I hate that I'm anticipating bad news and just wondering are these the final weeks all over again. What if all of this happiness of growing a new life just ends?  I'm not ready to give that up.  While I know it is a rare possibility that something will happen with this pregnancy also,  I know it is possible and I already lived it.  I don't want to be thrown back into the pit of despair that I was just in 6 months ago.  Another babyloss mom compared pregnancy after loss to walking the tightrope and it IS just that. There is this thin string I'm walking to full term and it is terrifying to think of falling.  But sadly, it isn't up to me and there isn't a whole lot I can do to prevent something horrible from happening again.  Instead, I just have to hang on to the hope and love I already have for this little one.

Other than the terrifying anxiety, I'm feeling great and am getting a little belly.  I couldn't be happier watching my body expand.  I think I'm a little bigger this time around, but this is my third pregnancy in less than 2 years, so that is probably to be expected. I am excited to see this little one and know that day will be filled with a wide array of emotions.  Happy to have the chance to have another baby but filled with sorrow knowing Oliver never made it beyond that stage.  I just hope that come May it will be my turn to announce the birth of a healthy baby.