A New Day

Yesterday was such a whirlwind of emotions, both happy and sad but I think it offered the best thing possible.  Some closure and peace.  Yesterday was such a beautiful and perfect day with my family.  The beginning was filled with happy and joyous news and a look at our new little one, the middle was filled with picking out the perfect tree for Oliver and planting it in its new home, and it ended with a beautiful walk as the sun set to get ice cream.  By the end of the day I was exhausted.  It felt like I had gone through this big event and I could finally breathe and relax a little.

Today feels different.  I woke up feeling refreshed and like it was a brand new day.  We spent Oliver's due date exactly how I wanted to.  With my little family of 3 (well 3.5) and remembering Oliver and what the day would have held.  It helps to be pregnant and have hopes of this little one entering the world.  In no way will this child replace Oliver and it was special being pregnant and finding out he/she is doing well on his due date.  It seemed like a special gift.  The chance to get to bring another child into the world.

I feel the peace and acceptance filling in the anger and sorrow more and more.  And today it feels like a huge space was filled with peace and acceptance.  The sorrow has changed, it is still there, but has morphed.  When I think of Oliver my heart fills with love.  I know much of it has to do with being pregnant.  A new love grows and I'm given hope that I will have a living child in the not to distant future.  Of course, it is still sad to think that child isn't Oliver and that he isn't joining our family here on Earth, but I also feel like this new little person, completely separate from Natalie and Oliver, deserves all of the same love and attention.  I feel that sense of contentment creeping back into my life and I just hope I can hold on to it for as long as possible.

In feeling this sense of contentment, I am still saddened though by all of my other babyloss friends who are still on the trying to conceive ride and especially to those that have had miscarriages after their other losses.  It just still is completely unfair that I can have all of the happiness in the world right now, while others still aren't close to the one thing they want: a live child. The hardest thing I've learned about wanting another child is that no amount of trying harder or wanting with every ounce of your body will necessarily bring you a child.  There is no studying harder or extra credit, it is just waiting to see if you are lucky enough to have a living child at the end.  I know it doesn't seem that difficult when healthy living babies are born everyday.  But after having a loss that reality seems unreachable.