A Celebration of Life

Today is the long awaited day.  My due date.  It was the date I had marked in my calendar, the date I should be expecting my second child to arrive at anytime. He probably wouldn't have shown up today, but it is symbolic of a day of celebration, a day of new life.

But today I am not 40 weeks pregnant. This isn't the end of my pregnancy journey with Oliver. He came into this world, never having taken a breath, 20 long weeks ago.  And while I never got to tell him I love him, kiss and hug him a million times, never look into his eyes or feel his hands on mine, his life has taught me more then I ever could have imagined.  His life is one to be celebrated because he taught me to be stronger and love deeper.  He taught me to never take life for granted and that I must love his sister and future siblings even more fiercely.  I have no doubts that his soul is still alive, maybe not where I can see it, but I do feel his guidance in my life.   Maybe it is just his memory that I work hard to keep alive.  It is still hard to fathom what my son would have been like.  I never 'met' him, I don't know what his personality was like or what he even would have looked like.  But I have visions of him that live on and those are what I hold on to.

We planted an olive tree today in our backyard in memory of this day and the day that he should have joined our family.  And in remembrance of his short, yet important life. I look forward to having a tree to symbolize his life. Something to watch thrive and grow over the years.

 

While I so wish today was a day of good news of Oliver's safe arrival, photos of me and my sweet baby, Natalie and her little brother, balloons, flowers and the start of sleepless nights, it is a day we miss our son and the life we wished we could have had with him and provided for him.  This ends the chapter of my pregnancy with him.  From this day forward there will be no, I should be 'x weeks pregnant.'  It just marks another day, month, and year of remembering him.

But with each chapter that ends a new one must start.

We are excited to start this new chapter with Natalie and Oliver's newest sibling.

We had our first appointment today and saw the perfectly forming little bean with a strong heartbeat of 168.  I'm 8 weeks along and still not out of the woods, but I know all to well there is no magical time line for having a healthy baby.  I feel better seeing a healthy baby today and so hope he/she will be with us for the long haul.  My heart was filled with more love today seeing our little child, already with a beating heart.  That love grows everyday, filling some of the cracks that have been left behind in the last four months.  It is terrifying to already be so in love and know the feeling of losing it all.  I know what every emotion feels like and the very feeling of my heart breaking, that I can't fathom going through it again.

Being pregnant after a loss is difficult and stressful and I know it will be a long journey to mid-May.  But really I can only be hopeful.  We are sharing our news of this little one because I want this one to be loved and celebrated its entire life. And that life has started now.