The Constant Worry

It has been one week since our appointment at 8 weeks and I don't know how I'm going to make it until our next appointment at 12 weeks. I feel like I'm going to burst with all of the nervousness right now. These early weeks were hard enough before losing Oliver, but now, they are almost impossible. I really am trying to stay positive, but I'm just so nervous. Nervous of the idea that my body could be wreaking havoc on the inside and I'm not even aware. I had no signs, symptoms, nothing that Oliver had died and I'm terrified of the same thing. I even thought I was getting a little bigger over those 4 weeks, he had supposedly already died. You constantly read about signs of bleeding and cramping and I had none of that. So of course that worry is constantly in the back of my head. Will I be blind sighted again?

I hate that a small amount of doubt now pollutes my optimistic and positive thoughts, but it is hard when I can relive and remember every detail of that horrific day. I know the worrying isn't good and not constructive, so I attempt to stop worrying. I work hard to not let that small seed of doubt grow over time. I still have all of my symptoms and really there is nothing to signal any problems. I know this is just the plight of a mother who has lost a baby. The worry that all of these weeks will result in heartache and yet again I may not get my wish and want. I am enjoying these early weeks, despite the nausea, sleepless nights and worry. I know how amazing every week is and I really try not to take any of them for granted. I know these weeks will pass soon and I'll be on to feeling the baby move, which will make me feel so much better. Until then, I just have to patiently wait for each appointment to hear everything is progressing fine.