4 months

I can't believe it has already been four months.  It seems like it happened a lifetime ago. Today just seems like any other day, another day I'm not anxiously awaiting his arrival, another day of my new life.  But even though he isn't here I've felt his spirit around me more and more. He touched my life so significantly that a part of him is with me everyday, a part of him guides me everyday.

I co-hosted a baby shower for a friend yesterday. A friend who is expecting a baby girl the week after I was expecting Oliver. I'm so happy for her, but it was hard seeing her with her adorably huge belly, knowing I should have looked the same. I think the most difficult thing was not talking about Oliver. When asked, 'how many kids do you have?' I answered, 'one.'  Bringing up Oliver at a baby shower is the exact opposite reason of what you are celebrating at a baby shower.  New life.  Even though he is so much a part of my life, it felt inappropriate to bring up and I hate that.  Sadly, I should be able to comfortably say I have a son but he died when I was 19 weeks pregnant, but I think I quickly would have ruined the baby shower.  1. You should never talk about a baby dying in the presence of another pregnant woman and 2. Especially at a baby shower.   I've learned this over my four months and I think like all babyloss moms know there are few moments that seem appropriate to discuss our children.   It really just isn't appropriate at all in our society.  It is awkward, uncomfortable and scary.

I wish that I was 36 weeks pregnant right now. Preparing for my little pumpkin.  It is hard to even fathom that life, since I haven't enjoyed the last 16 weeks watching my stomach grow and getting to know his little kicks.  The hardest thing for me to accept is that his life was just so short. 4.5 months was all he got here on this earth and he didn't even get to make it on the outside. He only existed in my womb, unaware of the beauty of the world around him.  His life would be seen as insignificant to most people, yet it means everything to me.  And while I know his death has taught me so many things, it still is hard to understand why a life is unexpectedly cut short.

But even though the questions still often swirl around in head, I've accepted that this is my life, that Oliver's life was significant and has brought me things I never could have appreciated and understood in his life.  He has given me more love and strength to love his sister and father and down the road his future siblings. I know his memory will always live in my heart.  And for now, peace and acceptance are slowly replacing the anxiety, anger and sorrow.