I didn't understand

I think like most people you never really understand anything until it happens to you.

My previous piano teacher lost her daughter at 24 weeks in 2003.  I was in college and remember when it happened.  I even went to the funeral and vividly remember seeing the little footprints they had on display during the service.  I remember thinking, "wow, it was a little person in there", but that was really the extent of my understanding. I was sad, of course, but like most people, thought, "well she has 4 kids already and can always try again or I guess it just wasn't meant to be." I didn't know that a little baby's heartbeat could stop for no medical reason or understand that she would always grieve and be missing her 5th child.  I just didn't understand.

More recently, even after already being a mother, my friend's cousin lost her son at around 25 weeks. She had had problems throughout the pregnancy, so it was a little less out of the blue, but still NEVER anything someone should go through.  She told me they named him and even then I remember thinking, "oh, wouldn't that be harder." I was devastated for the family and did think about what if I had lost Natalie at 25 weeks, but it was still so easy to be removed for the situation.  After all, it wasn't me or someone close to me.  Again, I just didn't understand.

So I completely understand when those around me don't fully "get it."  I couldn't comprehend their heartbreak after receiving the devastating news of "there's no heartbeat," or the sorrow of waiting around for over a day to go through labor and delivery, only to leave empty handed. I didn't understand they would think of their babies every single day and wonder what could have been.  I didn't know they dreamed of their babies every day they were pregnant wondering if the little one would be a boy or girl, have blue or brown eyes, brown or blond hair or mommy or daddy's smile and in one second, have all of those dreams taken away.  I honestly didn't know that a child they had never met, who only existed for 25 weeks, could be unconditionally loved and missed for the rest of their lives. I just couldn't fathom it.  

I now understand and unfortunately all too well. I know what the stares feel like, the not knowing what to say when with other people, and that awkward look I get when I use Oliver's name. I'm sure people look at me and say similar things, "oh, but she already has a child," "did you hear they named him?" "at least, she is young and can try again", or "wow, have you read her blog, she really seems hung up." With all these comments and awkward moments, I know they just don't understand.  I just wish some would try to understand it, just a little.

I did some research for Kristin's blog on resources for family and friends. My hope is there can be one place friends and family can go to get information on how to help and better understand. I wish I had been a better listener when I heard about someone going through a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. I wish I'd paid attention to anniversaries so I could send a card or remember the name of their baby to tell them I was thinking of them. All of those things make a world of difference.  But sadly like most people I didn't know what to say or how to help. It is an uncomfortable task, but I think we can all reach out to those suffering and grieving, if we just take a little bit of time to listen and understand.