Feeling inspired and hopeful
I haven't written in awhile and have been behind on catching up with everyone's blogs. My time and energy has been spent on working with Sarah and Kristin on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and honestly this is the best I've felt in 3.5 months since Oliver's death. While I don't necessarily like the term 'meant to be,' his death has certainly given my life more meaning and hopefully will aid and help so many more women in the future. I'm so excited to be a part of this organization and truly believe it will make a huge difference to so many women!
I still remember those initial emotions of guilt, embarrassment, sadness and grief, when I found out he had no heartbeat. I didn't think this happened to healthy 27 year olds, especially after I had the picture prefect pregnancy with Natalie and plus I was into the second trimester after many appointments with a healthy heartbeat. I felt like a freak of nature and was more embarrassed I think that this had happened to me. I remember lying in the hospital bed waiting for the inevitable and while I wasn't treated like an outsider, I just felt alone. I didn't know any other people who this had happened to. Women that had to go through labor to deliver their dead baby. Why me, why now?
Some of the nurses were understanding, while others seemed to care less. I was in shock during that time and didn't know how to feel. I think the hardest thing was I didn't know how to relate to my baby I had been carrying for almost 5 months. I loved him and every day become more bonded, but when I learned he died, I think I was afraid to love him. Of course, my heart was already broken, but I thought if I let more love in, won't it just hurt that much more?
We were faced with so many decisions, do we see him? do we name him? do we even find out if it is a boy or girl? At first, my thought was all of these things will make it 100 times harder. In my state of shock, I thought maybe I just don't want to know any of these things, maybe it will just go away. Of course, I didn't want his memory to go away, but I was scared and confused by what had just happened in the last 24 hours. We found out he was a boy, it was hard but healing. We named him, it was difficult but helpful to call him by his name. We didn't see him, but have photos, and those along with his footprints are the evidence that he was physically here. We left the hospital with just our grief packet and memory box in hand and had no idea where to go from there.
The grief packet was filled with pamphlets that seemed so outdated. They had cheesy clipart graphics of two people hugging or crying. I imagined they were just photocopied in mass on different colored paper by some bereavement staff member at the hospital. It was filled with things about how I would be feeling and how my partner may feel differently. The typical statements about grief, written by professionals, who most likely had not lost a baby. There was nothing real, that made me feel less alone. I immediately went online to seek out forums, blogs, whatever, just to know there were other women going through the same thing. I quickly came across multiple blogs and every post was like a breath of fresh air. These women were feeling the same way and understood everything I was going through. I quickly came across Kirstin's blog and found my way to Faces. I had written out Oliver's birth/death story a few weeks prior and when I saw I could share it so that other women could read it and relate, I was so honored and excited.
This community of women is amazing and has been a large part of my healing. I certainly feel less alone in my journey and know that so many women have gone on to have other children and have learned how to keep the memory of their baby who died always in their life. Along with Kristin, our hope is that when women leave the hospital, they will look in their grief packets and see modern faces of women just like them. They will know there are hundreds of women out there who aren't afraid to share the story of their baby and their journey through grief. They will come to this community, feeling less alone and less like a freak of nature. They will be filled with strength, as I have and push forward a little more everyday. They will be filled with hope.
On a side note, I came across this interview with Tori Amos about miscarriage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1tr8LLl6qM
Enjoy!
I love what you two (and your sister) have done with Faces. I remember feeling so alone right after Charlotte died and then I went online and found this huge, incredible community. Before too long I was surrounded by people who cared for me, and my baby, and understood how I was feeling. Of course, we all wish we weren't in this sad place, but since we are, I'm so glad we have each other.
Inspired is exactly the sentiment I feel too. Even before Amelia died (we had 17 weeks to prepare) I was continually struck by the grief materials I had. Most were just pieces of paper, with black and white 'numbers' on it...and I would think "don't people know that my grief is MORE than black ink on white paper ~ I need MORE than this pathetic roster of 'which group' to call. I also was struck by the lack of resources for siblings ~ lots of 'this is normal to feel ____' or 'you can say _____ to explain death to a child.'
As a former therapist, I was had studied the stages of grief, even went through them after my father died...but there was so little REAL flesh and blood info out there.
What Faces has done is truly ground breaking. I honestly think that it will become a resource for professionals too! I am excited to be a part of it...It feels like I have a direction now.
I felt the same thing leaving the hospital, where do I go from here? How do I get through this. For me one of the most resourceful sites I came across was Grieve out Loud. I immediately got a penpal and she really helped me get through that first bit. And they encouraged me to start my own blog. It's important for hospitals to provide women with as much resources as possible when they're leaving...not all are as proactive in searching for "sisters." And not all websites are appealing to the same people so I really think hospitals should have a list of as many sites as possible so woman have options of where they want to seek help.