Bittersweet
>> Wednesday, August 4, 2010 –
future pregnancies,
hope
Today while grocery shopping, I decided to pick up a pregnancy test. No, I'm NOT pregnant. I bought it just to have around, hoping I'll get to use it soon. There it can sit in my bathroom closet.
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| There it is, the little box that changes your life... |
It is amazing to think how different things were the last time I bought a pregnancy test. When buying the tests for my previous pregnancies, I remember the excitement and nervousness of going down the 'family planning' aisle. It was impossible not to imagine our baby at that very moment and what a positive pregnancy test would mean. The hopes and dreams rushed in and the excitement began as I picked up the box and checked out.
It is bittersweet buying a pregnancy test now. We talked about only having two kids and I remember when I bought a pregnancy test with Oliver, I knew it would probably be the last test I ever took. It was sad to think I would never get to feel that excitement and anticipation again. There is nothing like waiting those few minutes to see if the second line appears. However, now I find myself, just 7 months later buying another pregnancy test. I hope I get the chance to go through the excitement and anticipation again in the coming months, but never wanted the chance to come because I lost my baby. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be 31 weeks pregnancy, not thinking about starting back at square one.
I'm sad that these are our circumstances, but I'm excited and hopeful too. Our future little one deserves all of the same excitement and anticipation. It will be a much different journey, but one that I'm excited to start (hopefully soon) and one I'll be grateful for. It is just bittersweet.
"Our future little one deserves all of the same excitement and anticipation."
i keep reminding myself of that, b/c i'm so convinced that i will be terrified for 9 months when i get pregnant again. i'm glad you took the optimistic route and went ahead and bought that pregnancy test! wishing you luck on your rainbow baby!
Andrea, that is so very true. It is bittersweet. As I mentioned before, it's hard to separate the pregnancies - at least for me it was. Also in our situation I was pregnant with a boy and I lost a boy so even more bittersweet! I will anxiously be awaiting your news in the coming months. Take care!
I just bought a pregnancy test too, just in the hopes that I'd need to take it in the next few days. I'm scared to take it in case it is negative, even though I'd probably get an accurate result right now if I am pregnant. I should be 30 weeks pregnant today, not waiting a few more days to see if AF shows up or not. I'm just finding it really depressing right now. I should be counting Jacob's kicks and how many weeks are left until we meet him, not how many weeks it has been since we said goodbye.
But like you said, our future babies deserve the same excitement and anticipation that our lost babies got. I think they will get that, with moments of terror added here and there.
I hope you get good news soon!
That's how I feel too, that the next baby deserves a mom and dad who are excited and hopeful, not fearful and anxious. We were fearful and anxious with Aidan's pregnancy because of all the bleeding and complications I had. I was on bedrest for 3 months and very few people even knew I was pregnant. If I ever get the chance again, I hope I can be more 'excited'...because my baby deserves it.
Hi Andrea, I am looking forward to following your blog too. Today's post inspired me, I need to be more positive about future pregnancies. I know I will if/when the time comes, it just seems so far away right now. I still have a lot of fear inside me and probably always will. Your baby girl is just adorable and Oliver's little feet are precious. I hope that you get to see those two little lines soon!! :)
Your post spoke to the heart of how I feel exactly! Thank you for putting it so eloquently.
I bought a pregnancy test for my husband's fathers day present. I knew I wasn't pregnant so soon after loosing Drew, but I wanted to give him hope. I wanted us to be able to have hope that we will be able to have those wonderful feelings of excitement and anticipation again. I hope you are able to experience those feelings here very soon.