Becoming a Mother
When do you truly become a mother? For some it is the first pregnancy test, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, the first ultrasound and of course I think for all, the moment your baby is resting in your arms after birth.
With Natalie, the event that changed my life was hearing her heartbeat for the first time. I instantly felt protective and that it was my responsibility to care for this life for 9 months. I remember being amazed that her heart starting beating so early and that it would continue to beat, hopefully, for another 90 years. Not ever missing one beat. The 20 week ultrasound, the kicks and later a 40 week ultrasound, all strengthened the bond and love for her, before she even made her appearance. When I held her in my arms for the first time, it was instantaneous love. It was the moment my world exploded into a bigger and brighter world, full of so much potential, just because this little 8 lb baby was in my life. It was the day my heart grew by leaps and bounds because I needed a place to contain all of my joy and love for her. A love so strong, I knew it could never be broken.
With Oliver, it was the 12 week ultrasound. Of course, I was amazed when first hearing his heartbeat, but I was still wary of the potential of a miscarriage. I'm not sure why, when I'd had a perfectly normal pregnancy, but it was just in the back of my mind. At my 12 week appointment, they couldn't find his heartbeat right away. My doctor assured me it was because he was so little, so they did a quick ultrasound to take a look. There he was, moving around, with a strong heartbeat. That moment was amazing, because I didn't see Natalie until 20 weeks. He already had little arm and leg buds and was bouncing around. It was that moment that I was attached and felt ultra protective. He was really in there, our second little one. My love grew everyday I thought about him, nestled in his protective home. After he died, I was worried my heart would be emptied of all of its love because it was so broken. Surprisingly, there was still somewhere for it to be contained, and my love for him grew even more. The things that made me love him even more, were also the things that broke my heart. His tiny footprints, the ultrasound photos, the memories. They were all reminders that he wouldn't be here.
My journey to becoming a mother has been an amazing one. I have grown so much as a person and love having two little people I carried and brought into this world. I'm so fortunate to have one, who is physically with me everyday and who I get to watch grow up and experience the world. I only get to 'mother' Oliver in spirit. Through this blog, I've grown in so many ways thanks to him and he has taught me what it is to truly be a mother. My heart has grown 10 times thanks to their love.
So to all my fellow Mommy's out there, when did you first become a mother? When did you fall in love with your little one?
i so hate this question because i am a mother and yet i do not have a child TO mother. i think i first realized how real kenny was at my 6-week ultrasound. he was nothing but a blob with a heartbeat, but that heartbeat was going strong, and i was just blown away that that was happening inside me. it was instant love!
I know, but you will always be a mother to Kenny. :)
The day I took my pregnancy test with my son Ryan...and of course January 7th, 2003 the day he was born..a 7 pound 14 ounce beautiful bundle of joy
such a sweet sweet post! :) i cannot wait to be a mother to my very own kids someday..i'm the 3rd oldest of 10 children so i'm kind of like a second mother to my younger siblings :) ha! but it definitely won't be the same as mothering a little one of my own. your daughter is absolutely beautiful!
December 21, 2009. My husband is a sonographer and we went to the hospital after hours to see if we could find out the sex. He preforms ultrasounds on the heart so we had no idea what we were looking for. But it was just the two of us and then our baby, our sweet girl. The room was dark and I remember looking to the left and down into a lobby where there was a huge Christmas tree. It was a wonderful moment and the first time I felt like a mama.
Well, for me it was the moment I took a pregnancy test. That feeling was amplified upon seeing an ultrasound and then consequently feeling the baby move for the first time.
Each pregnancy is different. Pregnancy after loss ~ for me has been hard to connect with this 'wee one' mostly because I am still paralyzed with the 'what if's'. I KNOW that I am in love with this baby, just as I am with each of my children, but since my heart has been broken...it seems harder to allow myself to feel joy and grief at once. It is a hard place to be...sometimes I feel that I may be less of a mother to this baby because my heart is so wrapped up in Amelia still. Wow, can't believe I just wrote that ~ but maybe that is the beginning of healing.
For me it was the pregnancy test. : ) Really, before that even, because I KNEW I was pregnant for at least a week. I just felt it. But the first time I KNEW I was a mama was when I saw my little angel bopping around in the ultrasound after falling down a flight of stairs. I cried with relief.
I think first ultrasound at 8 weeks and then first time I actually heard the heartbeat reiterated it for me with my little Kennedy. Despite the fact that she's not physically with me, she's always a part of me, which does make me a mom. Forever.
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))
For me, it was definitely the moment the 2nd line popped up on my pregnancy test. My babies captured my heart immediately, even though I hadn't seen, heard, or felt them. Of course, all of those things just sealed the connection even more, and when I held my Madelyn in my arms, I was completely transformed.