What to expect...
Wouldn't it be nice if there was a 'What to expect when your baby dies" chapter in the pregnancy books? Of course, in reality no pregnant woman would ever want to read this as she is flipping through chapters about the joys of pregnancy. But for those woman, like me, who lost a baby half way through their pregnancy with not one sign of a miscarriage, it certainly would have been helpful.
I imagine that in this chapter it would explain that you'll have to go through a day of labor, only to deliver a baby that had died in the womb, you'll have to make a myriad of decisions relating to your baby, when your mind can only go to 'this isn't how it was supposed to end,' and even though everyone will tell you it isn't your fault, you still will feel like your body failed. After you deliver your baby and feel empty inside, you'll go home and have to recover from your labor and deal with your milk coming in. (Thank goodness I was still nursing my daughter and never had to deal with not having a baby to feed.) People will attempt to comfort you with, "It's God's plan" or "You'll be able to try again," but in reality you just want to know 'why me?' Those first few days will be a blur and you will most likely spontaneously start crying (in part due to your hormones and of course the overwhelming feeling of loss), but it will get better.
One of the hardest things for me is not only dealing with the loss of my baby, but also the loss of my pregnancy. I had spent 19 weeks being pregnant and dealing with nausea, insomnia, heartburn, etc. only to have nothing in return. Don't get me wrong, those symptoms are easier to deal with when you know 40 weeks later you'll have a baby to take home and watch grow up, but when my pregnancy abruptly came to an end it was easy to feel like the past 5 months were for nothing. All I could think of was, "I don't want to have to start over again." The amazing thing though is that I'm still happy that Oliver was a part of my life. Even for a short 5 months.
Today I should be 30 weeks pregnant.
As for that chapter in the pregnancy books, I know it will never exist and honestly I wouldn't ever want it to. I got to experience a blissful and worry free pregnancy with Natalie and am so thankful for that. So many women who have I 'met' through this community, did not and never will again. No chapter could ever prepare you for the heartache, but in return no chapter could honestly prepare you for becoming a parent and the love you will feel for your child.
Like you, I had NO signs whatsoever that my pregnancy would end at 26 weeks either. It was such a shock. I should be 37 weeks, 1 day today. It's so hard knowing I'd be full-term and thinking about how different my life would be right now if Stevie wouldn't have died. It just sucks.
We were the same, the miscarriage was completely unexpected. I just went into labour at 17 weeks and 1 day. No one told me that that was even a possibility. I wish I could go through my next pregnancy with that same innocence and ignorance. Like you I remember being really sick and saying "it's worth it, my baby will be healthier because of it." Today I would be 32 weeks and 2 days. If Blaine were born today he'd probably make it.
After having Jacob, I looked through the pregnancy books I have and they barely had anything on losing a baby. They had maybe 2 paragraphs on miscarriage, but nothing on stillbirth during or at the end of the pregnancy. It made it mad at the time. It is something that happens, so I thought they should devote more to it. But I wouldn't have read that when I was pregnant anyway. I knew bad things happen, but I didn't want to hear or read anything about those things while pregnant. Now I'll be living with it day in and day our of the next pregnancy.
Jacob was my first, so I've never known what it is like to have a completely stress-free pregnancy and I never will now. I've often wished that I already had at least one child before losing Jacob, at least I would know that I could carry a baby long enough to have the baby live, and at least I would have that child if I could never have another.
I also didn't mind at the nausea, heartburn, getting up several times a night since it meant I was pregnant. Even if I had those for another 20 weeks, I would chose to do that now so that I could have had Jacob with me for longer. Even if he had died in the end anyway, I would love to have carried him longer.
i can so relate to this post, and even wrote a similar post on my own blog about what i wish i'd known. as you say, most pregnant women wouldn't want to read it, but knowing how my pregnancy ended, i wish i had had a chapter like that to read. my first pregnancy, perfectly normal, suddenly and inexplicably ended at 25 weeks. i HATE that i will never get to experience a full-term pregnancy without constant worry. today i should be 37 weeks 5 days.
Wow, you said this so perfectly. So much of this I have thought about, but I was never able to get it out in writing. I literally feel like I could have written so much of this and it speaks right to my heart. My twins were 24 weeks 5 days and perfectly healthy. I had NO idea anything would go wrong. I treasure the time I carried them and miss it greatly.
I should have been 30 weeks yesterday. It is been kicking me in the gut all weekend. On April 13, 2010 (I was 15 wks 2 days) we learned our daughter had no heartbeat and had probably been gone for a week or so. I was supposed to have a d & c later that week but my water broke later that day and I was induced and delivered her late that evening. We named her Abigail Eden. We miss her so much. We also lost my 2 yr old Jessica's twin while I was pregnant with them at 20 weeks in November 2007.
It is so hard not to think of the shoulds. This week I will have been not pregnant as long as I was pregnant.
I am praying for you. Know that you are not alone.
The innocence is lost for sure. I went for just under 18 weeks not knowing there was a problem with my baby. My AFP came back abnormal. After several days of thinking I could handle the "worst case" scenario, we learned at the level II ultrasound that our son's heart stopped beating. Talk about shock! I was not prepared for that in the least. I thought maybe a chromosome issue or something but never did I think he would be gone. You learn alot about yourself when this happens and sadly no book or chapter could ever prepare you.
Beautifully written! So many things to celebrate this month and next. Love you:)