Decisions

After we found out we lost Oliver, the doctor ran a series of blood tests to rule out blood clotting disorders.  Everything came back normal, except for my anticardiolipin antibodies, which came back a low positive.  These antibodies are in connection with APS, a blood clotting disorder. My doctor told me this could be in connection to Oliver's death but it could also just be a coincidence and that these antibodies had just presented themselves. There were no blood clots present in the placenta or umbilical cord, but I guess the tiniest minuscule clot can end a pregnancy. They retested my blood 6 weeks later and it came back negative. Now what to do?

Today I met with my doctor to go over the results and talk about the future game plan. Of course meeting with my doctor means having to sit in the waiting room with all of the expectant moms.  I somehow always seem to be scheduled when they are doing 20 week ultrasounds.  A woman, her husband and what appeared to be her mother came walking down the hallway with the biggest smiles on their faces and ultrasound photos in hand. I remember what that was like with Natalie, seeing her wiggle around and finding out she was a girl. It is one of the best moments and I honestly only want that for other women. But it still hurts.  It hurts because we left the room with puffy eyes from crying, in a daze about what had just happened, and ultrasound photos of a baby who was no longer alive.  I don't want to be one of those bitter woman, but I know how badly that appointment can go. I want to run up to those woman and tell them to be so thankful they have a healthy baby and to never take any day for granted. I guess a part of me also feels left out. I didn't get to experience that with Oliver. But luckily I can contain myself and sat in my chair with Natalie on my lap and smiled at them, watching their excitement. Who knows though, maybe that woman has been through a loss and is beyond thankful for getting to this stage of her pregnancy and never taking any day for granted.  You never know what people truly are feeling and what experiences they have been through.

Anyways, my doctor didn't really have any concrete advice.  Because I tested borderline once and negative the second time, she suggested I at least take a baby aspirin during the next pregnancy. For those woman that test medium to high positive, they usually suggest heparin injections.  Daily injections for 46 weeks - injections during the pregnancy and 6 weeks postpartum.  I will talk with a maternal fetal medicine specialist once I am pregnant, but my doctor said that it is up to me if I want to take the heparin injections.  She has had patients, who have also tested borderline, that have gone both ways and ended up with a healthy pregnancy. She said her own personal advice is to take every measure possible and I tend to agree with her.  I know if I just took the baby aspirin and then lost another baby, the guilt would be more than I could handle. If I do everything I can do to potentially prevent a clot, then I can't blame myself if something goes wrong. The hard thing is the aspirin/heparin therapy is relatively newer and for borderline cases like mine, there really isn't any way to know if it is helpful or not. Whether the combo or just one is the answer. Again, if you've read my other entries, you know I am a research, hard evidence kind of person and in this case, there isn't a lot of hard evidence out there. Of course, I'll do everything I can to make sure my next baby safely makes it into this world. It is just hard knowing the *right* decision.  Luckily, the heparin injections have low risks for the mother and baby, but it does mean being induced at 37 weeks, since you have to be off the heparin for a period of time prior to labor, due to the risk of bleeding.

I think at the bottom of all of this, I'm in denial about never having another 'normal' pregnancy.  I'm scared about the long journey it will take to bring a healthy child into this world and sad it won't be as easy as with Natalie. At the end of the day, I know I'll do anything for my future children and if it means daily injections, then that's what I'll do. I know the length and difficulty of the path will disappear as soon as I look into that child's eyes and I only hope I have that opportunity again.