I have two children
I have been in desperate need of a haircut and have been putting it off because 1) it looks fine in a ponytail and 2) I'm a stay at home mom and who really sees it anyways. So I decided to find a hair stylist that could fit me in today and go and get it cut. Even though I didn't go with a drastic hair style change, I really felt like it was time to shed some of the hair and go with a different look. It was actually very therapeutic leaving with 4-5 inches gone.
Anyways, I met with the new stylist and she asked me about my hair. I told it was shot due to total neglect, weather and two pregnancies in two years. Hormones are not friendly to hair! While washing my hair, she said, 'so you have two children.' I said 'I have a daughter and I lost my son when I was 19 weeks pregnant.' She must have said she was sorry 3 times. I told her thank you and we went on talking. She didn't say a lot more than that because really what more is there to say. Most people don't want to further talk about it because it is awkward, to say the least.
What struck me was how I felt at that moment I mentioned that I had 2 children. It wasn't sadness that immediately followed, but rather pride that, I have two children. It was the first time I had told a stranger about our son and it felt good and even better that despair didn't follow.
The past few days have been like this. I have been at peace with everything and am eager to talk about Oliver with people. It is a welcome change from the sadness and anxiety that were hanging around previously in the week. But I'm learning that grief has a way of coming and going and you are never quite sure what might unleash it. It is usually the little things that bring on the pain of the tragedy, like when I pass the little boy newborn onesies at Target and imagine what Oliver would have been like kicking his little feet in that onesie. All of a sudden the unfairness of it all rushes into my body and when the knot begins in my stomach, I know the grief has made its way back in. I fear these moments will happen more and more as I get closer to October (Oliver's due date), but know that over time they will dissipate.
I am thankful for the easier days, but take the hard days as part of this process. Today, I was thankful for having a reprieve from the emotional roller coaster and proud to say, 'I have two children.'
i can so totally relate to all of this. the first time after kenny died that someone asked me if i had children, i said no immediately, as if some part of me didn't want to give me the chance to decide how to answer. i later corrected myself and told her i couldn't pretend my son never existed. the woman i was talking to immediately teared up and told me about her adult daughter who died last year, and it turned into a very touching conversation about grief. i was so glad that told someone about kenny, and so glad that the first stranger i mentioned him to was so sensitive about it. BOTH your children are blessed to have you as their mother!
This is DEFINITELY the same feelings that I have. I have been putting off getting a haircut for TWO years because I guess at first I was lazy then I got pregnant and everything happened so quickly after I had my daughter and she died. I guess now I just feel like I'm scared of change but SOON I will get it done and I hope like you it feels good to shed off those few inches. I know what you mean about feeling a sense of pride when saying you have 2 children. I feel SO proud when I'm able to talk about my daughter and even SAYING that she's my daughter just makes me happy. I love talking about her and I wish I had more chances to. I hope you have more easier days than hard ones and that on your due date the day is gentle on you.
Thinking of you
I have to agree with one of the comments. I often wanted to talk but I think people thought I did not want to talk about it. There were a select few who knew me well enough to know that I felt better when I did talk about losing my son.
For me, there is some sense of relief in talking about my little girl who I lost in October. It is such a common thing for mothers to want to talk about their babies/children. Why shouldn't I want to do the same thing even though mine lives in heaven? You have every right to feel the way you do...you do have two children. And both of them hold a very special place in your heart.