Being a Mother

You've all heard it.  'Having kids changes everything' or 'Being a Mother is the hardest and most important job.'  I never knew how truly amazing being a mother would be and that the love for your children grows over 9 months and fully blossoms the moment they are born.  But it is there.  That indescribable love for a little person you just met.

There is no doubt I would do anything for my children.  Afterall, they are a very part of my very being.  My soul, my heart.  And when I am separated from them, my heart is vulnerable.  Because a part is far away.

























 Natalie started preschool and while I'm thrilled to have the one on one time with Carter and know she is so happy to be learning and exploring with other kids, there is the sense of longing.  Maybe that just makes me a controlling mother.  But I miss them when they aren't right by my side.  Even still when Natalie cuddles and lays on my chest, there is a peace and a feeling of perfection.

While I didn't meet Oliver and only carried him for 19 weeks, the love is still the same.  I'm sure any parent that has lost a baby or child would agree that the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.  I couldn't do anything for him. I couldn't give my life so he could live his.  There was nothing to give him the chance to live when that was the one purpose of my womb.  It is hard knowing I get this beautiful life.  The chance to see amazing and wonderful beauty in this world and he never will.

I think a lot about my responsibilities as a mother these days.  I wonder how I can provide the best life for my two kids here and think a lot about the circumstances that brought Carter in our lives.  I will never know why my life is on this path and even though that path was tumultuous, it has brought me here to this life with my beautiful little family of four. All I know it I love being a mother to three little souls that fills my heart.