Complete

I often think about how unsure I was a year ago.  Hopeful, but anxious that my life would never truly feel complete.  I worried about never having another live child and while pregnant I feared that I would have to endure another heartbreaking loss. I remember that feeling of anxiety, restlessness and a deep loss of self I suppose to some degree.  I didn't believe in my body's ability to carry another child and I feared my tender heart would break all over again.  It was a state of limbo and a terrifying place to be.  So afraid to hope.

And now, I can't believe we truly have our little family of 4. I often catch myself staring in amazement as we all gather in the car or around the table.  Two little children that are all ours.  That I carried and birthed and now get to enjoy my life with.  And now they have a whole life ahead of them to experience.

It is amazing to have such a sense of peace when my emotions were the complete opposite a year ago.   I look at my family and know that they are all I need.  It doesn't matter where we go throughout life, as long as we are together and I have the opportunity to be in their lives, I know I'll be happy.  Heart full kind of happy. 

 But even with the amount of happiness, there is always a sense of ache.  An ache for those that don't get to experience this kind of love and beauty.  Those that have left this earth far too soon.  There will always live a sadness in my heart for the short life of Oliver and all of those other women who have had to endure the loss of a child.  It is always hard to experience a fullness of life and know our children won't experience these earthly treasures.

I hope as we approach the holidays that everyone gets to take the time to enjoy family and friends. I know I am extra thankful for my life this year and the people that make my life brighter. Life is just extra good right now.  And maybe it is because this feeling is so vastly different from the stresses of last year.  It is time to soak up all that is good and beautiful.  My life is brimming with life and love and I will certainly enjoy it.  Right now it is complete.