Disbelief

I still am in disbelief that there really is a near full term little guy residing in my uterus.  With each pregnancy, I've enjoyed stalking the pregnancy forums.  Now that I'm a veteran Mom I find myself reading them more for entertainment than for helpful information.  But I can't help scour the birth announcements for each birth board and bask in the happiness and delight of happy birth stories and adorable photos of minute old babies.  As each week draws closer to my due date, I see the photos of healthy looking babies, yet not quite full term, greeting the world and just can't get over our little guy is there too.  While I wouldn't want him making his entrance quite yet, he is almost 35 weeks and weeks away from being 'full term.'  Even though I can certainly tell he is getting larger by the day as he stretches and flops around, it is still so hard for me to fathom a healthy, full term, living baby.  Even when I've already given birth once to a 8 lb, healthy baby girl, I can't quite bring myself to believe that another healthy baby will be in my arms.

After I lost Oliver, the babyloss community became a huge support group and what helped me get through the grief.  I was surrounded with amazing women, but also surrounded by stories of loss, photos of babies gone too soon, and complete heartbreak.  There was hope wrapped in there, but it certainly seemed to be in short supply.  I now related more to women who had lost babies then those that were pregnant.  While I already had a living child, those that were pregnant had what I wanted most.  They were moving on through their journey, the journey towards giving birth to a healthy child, while I was left in the dust.  Alone, to pick up the pieces and gain back some type of hope that someday I might have another baby.

Now that time is drawing near.  The time that seemed like it would never come.  I wondered if I would ever have this chance again and even now I still know there are things that can happen, even in these last weeks.  It isn't that I can't imagine another baby or that kind of happiness, I think it is still the wound healing of what I went through almost a year ago.  It is knowing how quickly things change.  Knowing terrible things can throw you off your path of happiness and the struggle and long days that exist after of wondering if you'll make it back on that path again.

I truly am beyond happy right now and want nothing more than this happiness to exist forever.  Everything seems right but then it is all too familiar to the happiness in my life a year ago.  While it is strange to think that I was pregnant this time last year, enjoying the same things and thankful for the life I had, I wasn't the same person I am today.  I've personally grown in so many ways this past year, that I am a completely different woman then the one who was carrying her second child, naively never thinking anything bad could happen.  While I have the scar today, the scar of losing a baby, that loss has prepared me to be where I am right now: even more in love with my life, the life I am given everyday, the life I am nurturing and those that are a part of my life. I've become a stronger woman and better mother.  My love is stronger for my children and our son will enter this world surrounded by more love then I was capable of offering a year ago.

These next weeks will be filled with many emotions as I near his due date and the year anniversary of losing Oliver.  It has truly been a year of living.  It is hard to believe that the hardest day and happiest day could both take place within a years span. I think I'll continue to exist in this land of limbo over the next weeks until our son is in our arms.  But know the moment he is placed in my arms, everything will be at peace.  We will have our complete and healthy family and maybe then I'll truly believe that he is here to stay.