Secret Society

9 months ago I never knew this group existed.  A group of women in their 20s and 30s, with everyday jobs and lives.  Women who want nothing more than to be a mother, but have had to endure an extra long journey filled with unexpected heartache just to have a living child in their arms.  Tonight I met with a group of women who have all lost children and most are still on the path to their one dream: to have a living child to love.

I'm so excited that Faces of Loss has launched it's Face2Face program and I was honored to get to meet with the lovely mothers in my area.  It was the perfect opportunity to meet with other women who have all been there and 'get it' in a more informal setting.  We were all in different places with our losses, some 9 months out like me, some years out and others much closer to their loss.  It was a place for us to share our stories and discuss the obstacles we've faced in our journeys.

I think about Oliver often, especially as I progress in this pregnancy awaiting another little boy to arrive hopefully healthy come May.  I think I've made a lot of progress in my grief and processing his life and death, but know that obstacles will still surface.  Especially come his one year anniversary and the birth of his brother, which will fall within days of one another.  It has been awhile since I've talked with other babyloss moms and being further out from my loss everything isn't as fresh.

Tonight I heard stories of loss and my heart ached for each mother.  While I know that I am not alone in my loss, it is always hard to look into the eyes of other mothers who also endure the longing and heartache of missing their child.  We all understand the long journey, the unanswered questions, and the pain of being a babyloss mother.  While comforting to know that we aren't alone, it is devastating knowing we have all walked the same path.

I fully realize there is no guarantee in having a live child.  For most people, having a healthy child seems easy. They will never know how fortunate they are and never fully appreciate the true beauty of not only carrying a child for 9 months and bringing them into this world, but the amazing gift of nurturing a small life that needs guidance and love.

I feel beyond fortunate to have Natalie as my daughter and another little one on the way.  I've been a mother for a year and half and have learned from Oliver to never once take the job for granted.   While my job as a mother has been filled with sleepless nights, whiny cries, dirty diapers and screaming tantrums, the beauty in the sweet sound of 'mommy', my daughter's laughter, her hugs and kisses and delicate cuddles make it THE best and most rewarding job in the world.  I know all too well it is a job that some women long for and only ever get to watch from the sidelines.  Holding on to the hope that someday it will be their turn to experience all the job has to offer. 

Tonight, I met women who have all lost children.  We all miss our babies and want to share their stories.  I am reminded of how strong the human spirit can be as I listen to each story, each heartbreak.  We have all lived a mother's worst nightmare and somehow all hold on to hope that one day a live child will fill our arms.

I never knew about this secret society of strong amazing women, who live everyday with a hole in their hearts as they journey through grief and a life without a much wanted child.  While I never wanted to join the ranks, I've learned about true compassion and friendship from these women.  I've learned to never take being a mother for granted and that each little life that is entrusted to me is truly an amazing gift.