Protecting

This pregnancy obviously comes with new worries.  Worries I never thought about when pregnant with Natalie or Oliver.  I just hadn't lived the reality of a tragedy.  I feel reassuring kicks daily and I'm pushing on towards 22 weeks.  Further then I went with Oliver.  But the anxiety is still there.  Not 24/7, but that overwhelming feeling of protection that every mother feels is so much stronger right now.

As a mother, the one thing I strive to do everyday is protect my children.  I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is that you can only protect them so much.  When they start out in the womb and you carry them for 9 months, you have the ultimate job of protection and providing a safe womb.  They are with you every day and really it seems easier to protect them in the womb then on the outside, when they become a part of this world.  However, because I couldn't protect Oliver, these 9 months seem that much more terrifying. 

While I couldn't do anything to prevent his death, I still worry that I won't be able to protect our new little one. While I should feel the ultimate safety because my child is inside of me every single day, I feel so vulnerable and unaware of what is going on in my own body.  I hate that I can't see him everyday to know he is ok. It is just up to my body to do its job and take care of him until he is ready to be born.  While I love everyday I am pregnant, I really just can't wait to meet him.

I hold on to the hope that he will arrive safely and most days I'm left with a smile in thinking about him and the joyous day he arrives.  Every day I get one step closer to the reality. That fear will always lurk in the background though and I know how quickly things can change.  I can only protect him so much and beyond that it is about trust.  Trusting that he will arrive and all will be right.  The worry will continue, as a mother, until the day that I die, but at least I'll be able to see him and hold him in my arms where I can protect him and know he is ok.