Transformation

Giving birth is transformative.  It transformed me into a stronger and more loving woman and made me a mother of one who lives and one who died.  With one I wanted to be present in the moment, let my body do its job and feel every part of labor. It was amazing, beautiful and empowering.  With the other, I wanted to run away, leave my body and not take part it what was happening. It was painful, defeating and heart-wrenching.

I've had both experiences and both seem to intertwine together to create my birth experience.  I hate that I've had to go through the most recent experience, one that no women should ever have to go through. Before delivering Oliver, I didn't know that a birth could be anything but happy. I still remember the excitement of checking into our labor and delivery room.  I walked in and saw the baby warmer, amazed for in mere hours Natalie would be there, alive and present in this world.  But with Oliver, there was no excitement.  The baby warmer still stood in the room, but there would be no baby to keep warm.

My excitement to have a natural birth again with this baby is overwhelming.  It is the one thing keeping me going.  My birth was perfect with Natalie, exactly the way I wanted it. No pain meds, just me listening to my body to deliver my baby. Scott was so present in the process as my support, that together we helped bring Natalie into the world. I was free to move around as I wanted and push when my body was ready.  It was truly a beautiful experience.

While I have that beautiful memory and experience with Natalie, my delivery with Oliver still haunts me in a sense. It was an experience that was completely the opposite and tragic. While it did bring him into this world, it wasn't the way a mother should ever have to birth her child. A silent, lifeless baby who will never take a breath. Some days it seems easier to almost forget that horrible day, but it was a transformative day, and that labor experience and my child is a part of who I am and who I've become.

Because I've experienced both, I fear the latter.  I have a greater chance of having the beautiful birth experience again with this little one, but I know the other exists.  The experience of labor, with no living child at the end to take home.  The experience that no one ever asks about, because they don't want to imagine having to actually deliver a baby that isn't alive. The experience that so many women have to endure, every single day.

I know how extra lucky I'll be when I walk into that labor and delivery room at full term.   I dream of happy nurses over somber ones, postpartum nurses over social workers and a healthy baby over a memory box.  I can't wait to experience another transformative day, the day I give birth to my son and the day a part of my heart will be returned. The day that I will believe I truly can have another healthy child. Hoping that this time, he is here to stay.