The Big One

So today was the big day.  The 20 week ultrasound.  The same ultrasound that broke our hearts 7 months ago.  The one where our journey ended.  The day when we called family with sad news instead of announcing "It's a boy."

I somehow remained fairly calm all day yesterday and it wasn't really until this morning that the butterflies came around.  I did have an overwhelming sense of peace, but I didn't like that I would be put in the position again where someone else would know bad news about my body and baby before me.  I just wanted to know the truth, if something were wrong.

As we walked through the corridors to the doctor's office, I noticed the doors decorated with Christmas decorations and the holiday music playing throughout.   I got this sinking feeling of 'what if I leave the office again, knowing my baby has died and today would be filled with phone calls and waiting at the hospital to deliver?' I thought how suddenly the cheery Christmas music would be the last thing I would want to hear and the spirit of the holidays would vanish completely.  I just didn't want that to be me again, for the second time.

I had my ultrasound with the high risk specialist.  My doctor gave me the option, more for my peace of mind so I wouldn't have to be in the same ultrasound room where I had received bad news before.  However, I had gone to see the high risk specialist after we found out the bad news, so in essence I had spent part of that day here as well.  But it still made me feel better to have a high risk specialist look over my ultrasound just to check for everything possible.

Natalie played with the toys in the waiting room and we waited for what seemed like forever to be called back.  I actually think I might have been more calm then when I had my ultrasound with Oliver. They took my weight and blood pressure and I waited for the ultrasound tech to come in the room.  The young and friendly woman came in and asked us if we already knew what the sex of the baby was.  We said yes and asked if she could confirm during the exam.

As she put the warm gel on my belly, I think I braced myself for what I might see.  In my heart I did know he was going to be ok, but I think the image of a still baby that looked too small still haunts me from that day.  She immediately looked to confirm the sex and I saw him moving around.  She confirmed it was a boy and went about the measurements and thoroughly looked at every major organ.   I asked her if she could explain what she was looking at/for as she went along and to tell me if everything looked ok. She knew I had lost a baby at 19 weeks and was understanding of my concerns.

We received the best of news. He is perfect and even measuring 6 days ahead.  I was so proud as she explained how every organ, limb and bone looked perfect because it meant I could once again, just maybe produce a healthy baby.  So far my body is succeeding at its job, the one that it failed to do 7 months ago.  Spending 20 minutes just staring at our baby, bouncing around was amazing and as every minute passed the love and bond grew deeper.

As we walked out the door, with giant smiles, our long sheet of photos and DVD, I knew how lucky I was.  I walked out with a lot more hope that our little boy might just truly be here come May.  It was a bittersweet moment to think of what might have been had we had the same news about Oliver, but at the same time this little guy would have never entered our life had Oliver lived.  It is all very surreal at times.

As I walked down the corridor, I again noticed the Christmas music and was so thankful that its tune was still cheery and we were one step closer to meeting our little boy. Our journey continues with him and while I know the next 20 weeks will still be filled with some anxiety, it feels good to beyond the point when we lost Oliver.    We are in new territory with this little guy and can only hope for the best.

18.5 weeks