Holidays and Hope

Halloween is the gateway to the holidays and with a week of November already gone the holidays will soon be upon us. The holidays are bittersweet this year.  This is the first year we will be home, just the three of us, for Christmas.  So I'm looking forward to starting our own traditions, putting up the tree, decorating the house and doing all of things we usually put off because we are visiting family for 1-2 weeks.  I'm excited to watch Natalie enjoy all things Christmas and watch the wonder through her eyes. At the same time, I'm sad we aren't home with her and Oliver, an adorable little 2.5 month old to cuddle by the tree.

I finally ordered the classic monogrammed stockings this year. We never had a real mantel in our house growing up (we had two fireplaces they just didn't have mantels. )  So for as long as I can remember, I couldn't wait to have a house with a mantel to hang our stockings from.  I guess it was this romantic vision I always had in my head.  So I finally ordered them.  It was in that moment when typing in each of our names, that I wished I could have ordered one for Oliver.  He should have been here this Christmas, with his own stocking.  Filled with binkies, squeaky toys and onesies.

Photo from Pottery Barn

My anxiety has dropped a little since passing the 12 week mark.  I get more and more invested every day and both love the feeling and am terrified.  It is impossible not to dream about this baby, but I still find myself pushing back when we talk about names or Natalie and her younger sibling.  It all feels like just by thinking of those things I could jinx it.  While I have higher odds of everything going well, I know how quickly it can change and those odds mean nothing.  I get sad daydreaming about this little one because it reminds me of what I never knew with Oliver.  I never knew what color his hair or eyes would be, who he would have looked like or if he would have had a similar personality to his sister.  I think the daydreaming of your perfect little baby is how we bond and fall in love and is the right of every mother, but to most women it doesn't end in horror and despair.

I love that I get a second chance to experience all of the wonder of being pregnant and getting excited for the arrival of another little one.  I don't want to miss out on this experience because I'm too afraid.  These 40 weeks are such a precious gift and I know just how lucky I am to get to experience them.  My daydreaming actually resulted in my first purchase for this little one.  That excitement took hold and I couldn't help myself when I saw this cute little sleeper hanging on the rack.  Plus it was a $3.00 clearance find at Old Navy (yes, it was only available in pink and we don't know the sex yet. I decided to take my chances.)

While it wouldn't matter if it was $3 or $30, it is a symbol of my hope.  The hope that I really will get to bring a little baby home in this outfit.  It is amazing one little onesie can heal my soul and fill it with hope and yet terrifies me all at the same time. I worry, does buying this jinx it all and now I certainly won't get to bring a baby home?  (I don't really believe you can jinx things, but once you are on the side of 'rare cases', it seems like anything could prevent me from having a baby.)  Most days buying anything prior to this baby actually taking its first breath seems premature.  But like I said some days the hope wants to take hold and smother the fear.  So I let hope win! I know all too well that buying this onesie doesn't make all of my dreams come true, but seeing it does give me hope that our family will one day be completed.