Random Thoughts

October 15th was a whirlwind day!  I spend the majority of the day working hard with Kristin and Sarah to get up all of the photos and baby names for our I Am the Face Campaign.  It was an amazing day with inspiring outcomes from hundreds of women.  It was such a thrill to be a part of it all and see all of these women come together to show we are the faces of pregnancy and infant loss.  To check out the entire campaign as of yesterday, click here:

Entire Campaign

Is that not an inspiring sight? Of course, sad to know this many women lose a baby everyday.  The day was filled with many emotions.

Our weekend so far has been low key, just the way I like to spend the weekends.  We bought Natalie her first real doll. Finally she can have a real doll to stoll around instead of the Intel man. :)

12 months

16 months

I'm almost 10 weeks and just trying to hang on to the fact I only have a few more weeks until my appointment.  Panic and fear still take over and I just worry what if this all just ends.  What if I get bad news again and lose another baby and another pregnancy?  Some days are just extra hard.

I've found myself daydreaming and fantasizing about all things baby. I'll often look at beautiful nurseries online and dream about another baby to put in those nurseries.  But then I find myself almost pulling away, not to let myself get too invested.  Scared to build up those dreams, in fear they may never happen again. After all, I am only 9.5 weeks pregnant.  I hate that I can't let my mind go to happy babyland without also imagining the horrible other side.  Some days it seems so trivial to think of things like bedding, baby clothes and blankets, when really all I want is a healthy baby.  I miss having a baby too. Natalie has reached full toddlerhood, I long for the baby things.  The snuggles of a warm small body up against mine, the sacred time of breastfeeding, watching a little baby fall asleep, those involuntary body movements and the wonder as they see the world for the first time.  Yes, I know there are plenty of other unpleasant things that come along with new babies too.  But really, those other moments are the ones you remember and the ones I long for and can't wait to experience again.  I can't wait to see Natalie with her little sibling. I want to know how the next one will be similar and different from Natalie. Sometimes it just feels like it will never be a reality.

Since I've been thinking of happy babyland, I thought I would share photos from Natalie's nursery. Of course, being the first baby I had all the time in the world to pick out the perfect accessories and create a beautiful nursery.  Creating her nursery and buying everything down to the perfect lamp was so much a part of the excitment of her arrival.  I started out wanting bright colors and was completely against pastel pink.  I hated that everything girl has to be light pink.  However, as you can see, I soon found my way to the pastels. But her room turned out perfectly. I don't think she sleeps any better because she has green walls and pink curtains, but it all was part of the romantic picture of bringing my baby girl home to her beautiful nursery.  And with her, everything fit the picture. 

   

I got my perfect ending.