Embracing this life
My heart is filled with happiness in working with Sarah and Kristin everyday on efforts to bring awareness to pregnancy/infant loss and provide a community for the heartbroken women who just want to feel less alone. Every woman that shares her photo or story is a daily reminder that what we are doing is needed and important to all of us babyloss moms out there. Today was filled with excitement as we put together the finishing touches on the website for our Oct. 15th campaign and the last details on our first newsletter. I could feel the excitement excude from both Kristin and Sarah even though we live hundreds of miles apart. That passion burns a little brighter and my soul is filled by the end of the day feeling like this is my place in the world.
However, my mind still wanders to the alternate life. The life where none of this would exist. There would no Faces of Loss. I wouldn't be talking with Kristin late at night about ideas for campaigns and outreach. Instead, she would be in her home cuddling with Stevie late at night, content with the world and her little family. I would be hugely pregnant, preparing for my child. There would be no discussion of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss, researching ways to spread the word, outreach programs and ideas for October 15th. But rather thoughts of baby clothes, diapers, strollers and holidays and birthdays would be filling our heads.
Even though I am 'happy' right now in this life, that flash of all of this disappearing and going back to our 'normal' life still creeps in. It still is hard not to think of what could have been and how different my life would be right now. Maybe it is just hard to accept sometimes because this very happiness I feel right now is because Oliver died. I wouldn't be here building Faces of Loss if these hadn't been my circumstances. I believe you have to take the life you have and make the best out of it and that is exactly what I think I'm doing, but it is still bittersweet. For part of my soul feels more fulfilled then it ever has, yet at the same time a new part feels cheated and empty. How can they exist together?
I wish we could all go back to that perfect version of our lives. Where there was no longing and no sorrow. But I've learned there is no perfect version. This is my life right now, whatever that may be. There will be highs and lows and it has to be embraced as wonderful or as painful as it might be. It is hard to embrace a life you wish you never had to live, one of heartache and a longing that cries out for a baby who left too soon, but I'm attempting it. Since I don't really have another option. I'm embracing the good I've found and starting this new life. The one which I am happy, not because Oliver died, but because he changed me and led me to this soul enriching endeavor.
andrea, this is what i try so hard every day to focus on - that whether or not it's what i wanted, this simply is my life, and it is my choice how i go on from here. you have said it all so eloquently. think of all the women who will have somewhere to turn in the darkest moments of their lives because of the work you and kristin and sarah are doing.
I love the new campaign! You guys have done an excellent job! I would love to be a part of all this 'good' and help out in any way!
I am proud of you for embracing this new life. It is so hard to do that sometimes, actually most of the time. But like you said, this is the life we were given, whether it be good or bad. We have to make the best of it. I am glad that you are finding peace through these projects, that is wonderful!
I wish that we could go back to when our lives were fine, when we didn't know the terrible pain of babyloss, when our boys were still alive.
Although I get caught up in the alternate universe alot, I always try to remember the women who have said that I've helped them through their loss. I never would have been able to do that if Jacob hadn't died. Obviously I would choose Jacob in a split second if I had that choice. But he knows that I am just making the best of the situation. After he died, I vowed that some good would come out of his life, and it has. I'm not particularly happy, but helped others has helped me.
Alot of good has come out of Oliver's life, thousands of women have been/will be touched and helped. That is all we can ask for at this point.
it becomes the new "normal" - whatever that means!! I like to think that I can be a better support to those who go through this. I felt like I was so sheltered before I lost my son. I think it has given more sensitivity if that makes sense.
It's so hard not to think about that parallel life. Right now, I'd be 29 weeks pregnant. I'd probably have the nursery painted and partially furnished. Instead, we just had our baby's memorial service.
I think I'll always think about the life we should have had. I'll think about what age my little one would be and what she might have been up to. But hopefully, like you, we can use this experience to grow and give back to others. Faces of Loss is a wonderful site and I'm very grateful it exists.
I wish for so many of the same things!! I love what you are all doing with raising awareness and helping others to know that they are not alone.
I love the new campaign. I agree, it is hard to be happy when you would give up everything in a moment to have Oliver back. I think we will all carry the life we should have had in the back of our minds for the rest of our lives.
I echo many of your sentiments above. The should haves of what our alternate life could be. Glad for your you and your energy you put into the campaigns. Remembering Oliver.