Peaceful Days

Natalie and I ventured down to the lab today for my third blood draw.   One more to see if my anticardiolipin antibodies are a low positive or negative.  Hopefully with three different draws, I'll be able to make the best decision for subsequent pregnancies.

I picked up the paperwork at my drs office and then went upstairs to the lab.  It never fails that there are 10 people ahead of me waiting to get their blood drawn, so Natalie and I took a seat and waited for my name to be called. The last time I was there was the day we had found out about Oliver. I actually held it together that day I sat in there knowing I was now carrying my dead son and I looked around today wondering how many other people were in here due to 'bad' news. Probably not many, but you always have to wonder who is holding it together on the outside but breaking down on the inside.

Natalie enjoyed waving at everyone and after about 10 minutes of waiting a women came down at sat next me.  Happy, young and pregnant. She was nice and immediately started talking and waving back at Natalie.  She went on to say how much she loves little girls.  She looked tired and I asked her when she was due.  'October' she says.  'I'm having a little boy."  She looked a little disappointed by that, but I could tell she was still excited and glowing in her pregnancy.  And I was actually excited for her too. Yes, my stomach dropped a little when she said October, but I was genuinely happy for her.  I wanted to tell her about my pregnancy and how I was due with a little boy in October too, but didn't want to rain on her day.  It is hard to want so badly to tell people about my son, but it never turns into a two way conversation.  It would just be me, telling a pregnant women, how everything can come crashing down in an instant. And really, no happy pregnant woman deserves that.

Today is one of those days of peace and acceptance. I feel back to 'normal,' the anxiety is no where to be found and my heart doesn't ache quite as much. I was happy how calm I felt talking to a woman, due in October, with a little boy.  Normally that would be the trigger of all triggers.  She has my life. The life I imagined just 3.5 short months ago.  But she doesn't already have a little girl in her arms, like I do. And she is my life.  I'm thankful I was sitting in there without empty arms, but instead they were wrapped about my precious daughter who fills my life with joy and love.  She is my world and makes all of this that much easier.  And for that I'm thankful.  Of course, I wanted to be pregnant, sitting next to her, talking about aches and pains and how October is still so far away.  But that isn't my life.

I'll take the peaceful days that come more often now and be thankful for the feeling of acceptance for my life as it is now.  So many days, I wish I could find my way back to the path before Oliver died. I kick and scream, blindly in the dark hoping to find my way back to my 'original' path, wishing it wasn't true.  But I know there is no other path, then this one I am on, right now. I'm getting used to this new life and days like today make it all much easier.  I still think everyday how unfair it is and miss my son, but today I think about Oliver and Natalie and smile for the beautiful life I have right now.