A Mother's Bond

The night that Natalie was born was amazing.  The love filled the room and I spent that night with her sleeping on my chest. When we got home from the hospital she slept in our room, in her bassinet, for the first month. I would get up every 2 hours and feed her. Those first nights were sleepless nights, but were wonderful nights filled with bonding and watching over our new daughter.

Soon after she was born, I started waking up in the middle of the night. I would sit up and desperately feel around the bed looking for Natalie.  I've always had an active subconscious and do often sit up in bed or talk in my sleep, but this was different. It was this intense, "Where is my child?" panic that would come over me.  It slowly dissipated as the weeks went on.  I assumed it was hormones mixed with being a new mom and worrying.

This recently happened to me again. After Oliver died. I would wake up in the middle of the night and would feel around on the bed, looking for my baby.  It was the same intense feeling of concern for my child and not being able to find them. Only this time, my child really was lost.

For some reason whenever I think about these 'panic' episodes I had, I am brought back to a day up at my Aunt's house. She raises cows and one night a calf escaped from the fence. They sent a search team to go find him and while they went, his mother wailed, calling him back.  It was a heartbreaking sound and one which continued non-stop all night.  He finally got back in somehow himself and they were reunited and her crying stopped. She could rest easy because he was back within her sight and care.

That feeling of 'Where is my child?" has become a part of my everyday. As does the wailing. In the beginning, the cries can be heard, but it continues forever within my heart, it just becomes silent to those around me. There is a part of my heart that will always cry out because my son is lost and he will never be back under my care. The anticipated and expected end never came. It was cut short and I am left with no child to physically protect and love.  It is almost like having a phantom limb.  He was a part of me and no longer is, except he is not here on the outside to feel my love and be my child. He just stopped physically existing.

The mother and child bond is so mysterious to me and when broken through death leaves a mother with unimaginable sorrow because part of her is missing. It is so hard to explain, but I know it exists because I feel it everyday.  I feel both the greatest amount of joy for my child here and the greatest amount of sorrow for my child who is no longer. Whether is it purely an instinct for survival of our species or the greatest gift you could ever be given, a mother and child bond is truly unbreakable and extends even beyond death.