Dates
Every day gets a little easier, but every day gets closer to my due date. It isn't even September yet, so October still seems so far away. Sadly, most days it is hard to even imagine now what my life would be like if I were pregnant.
As I said before, there are multiple things that trigger sadness, most of which are usually fairly random. Some days I'm fine going past the newborn outfits and other days not. I mentioned last week the Halloween costumes conjured up sorrow. Grief is so strange in that way. But recently it has been expriation dates on food.
I remember when I was pregnant with Natalie it was so exciting once expiration dates started getting closer to my due date. Wow, I excitedly thought, June is just around the corner. I was at the store last week and went to pick up a small container of sour cream. There it is in bold type: October 4, 2010. My actual due date. The knot in my stomach begins and the sadness creeps in. Wow, I sadly think, October is just around the corner.
I can't help but be sad when my due date stares me right in the face. It is 'the' date that you tell everyone over your 40 weeks and every week I labeled in my calendar ends with that date. Who knows when Oliver actually would have arrived. Natalie was a week and a half late, but October 4 will always hold a place in heart as 'the' date my second child should have arrived.
I think this is one of the hardest things about grief. You never know when it will hit. You can be going along, having a rather peaceful day, and then you pick up the sour cream and the devastation begins again. Of course, not like the earlier days, but the heart aches just a little more. I'm sure I saw a few pregnant women and even some newborn boys in the store that day, but somehow the lid to the sour cream brought more sorrow then the pregnant women and newborn boys combined. Really, grief is a strange beast.
My due date will pass and things like expiration dates won't bring about the same sadness. But I know once my due date passes, I'll always think about how old Oliver should have been and there will probably be a whole new set of 'triggers;' newborn boys, cute little overalls, and fathers and sons together. I hope in time, I'll look forward to another date, another due date. There still are so many joyous dates to celebrate throughout the year, but October 4 will come every year with a bit of sadness of what should have been.
I was just commenting to my husband that we are just 10 weeks away from what should have been the happiest day of our life. Instead, October 20th looms as a terrible reminder of everything that we lost on May 5th and 6th. I am wishing you more and more peaceful moments as time goes on. The weeks leading up to October 4th will be difficult ones, but I will be there along with you sending you comfort and care. (((Hugs)))
I know exactly what you mean...September 30th is right around the corner. It is so hard to believe that our due dates will come and go with no baby to bring home. Grief is so harsh and unpredictable...I wish there was some way we could anticipate when it would rear it's ugly head. Thinking of you...
Yep. And today, August 15th, was THAT day for me. I'm not going to lie...it was hard. Hard passing that day and doing nothing more exciting than sitting around moping on a Sunday. Nothing exciting. No baby to care for or look forward to.
But you will get through it. I did.
Hey, look at that, it's almost August 16th.
Despite the onset of sadness they bring, our little ones' due dates and anniversaries are so important to us. I know what you mean about dates as triggers, seeing or encountering some that remind us of our little ones' special dates can put a lump in our throats and an ache in our hearts. Grief is sneaky that way. *sigh* But like Drew's parents said, we'll be here to remember Oliver with you on that day. Loves and hugs.
Yes, that due date is another difficult step. Two of my close friends brought home their babies the week Lyra was due, and I was left with empty arms. Those triggers will pop up, sometimes more often than others, but you have many here to support and listen to your experience ((hugs))