Medical Definitions
I was talking to another babyloss mom about how I don't like that my 19 week loss is medically considered a miscarriage. A miscarriage is any loss up to 20 weeks and beyond 20 weeks is considered a stillbirth. So why is 20 weeks the magical week? Babies aren't viable at 20 weeks, so why is there this cut off from miscarriage to stillbirth? Maybe half way through a pregnancy made sense.
* If you Google these definitions, there are some discrepancies, but generally 20 weeks is the line.
I think what bothers me is if I say I had a miscarriage, that word evokes, "oh you bled and passed some tissue." Yes, medically speaking Oliver was 'fetal tissue' or 'products of conception' (I think any mother despises those terms) and there are so many other very clinical terms to describe a dead baby, many of which I saw on my chart at the hospital and in the autopsy report. But Oliver was a perfectly formed little baby. He had two eyes, two ears, two arms/hands, two legs/feet and was perfect in every way, except for his little heart that stopped beating. I had to deliver him and go through labor. 18 hours of lying in a hospital bed waiting for the inevitable.
I think it is hard to fathom the growth of a baby over 40 weeks. Remembering that their heart starts beating at 6 weeks and they grow into fully formed human beings in the next 32 weeks. Even when Natalie was born, it was hard to believe that she had been the little person inside of me. It is strange to think while going through labor, she was there the entire time, just inside. And when she was born it was like she had come out of nowhere. How could a perfectly formed 8 lb baby have been inside me? Even though I had seen ultrasound photos of Natalie and Oliver and read all the books about what happens each week during pregnancy, it is different when you actually see a baby at 19 weeks outside the womb. They are already perfectly physically formed, they just need more time to grow and develop.
But even if I say I had a stillbirth, since he was born still, it doesn't mean people will understand. There isn't one term that will make it any easier. It isn't that I want more sympathy for what I went through, it is again just trying to put it in perspective. Even if I had a early miscarriage at 6 weeks, it still wouldn't lessen the pain and grief. I would have still lost my baby and lost all dreams, just earlier. This isn't to discount those have have gone through a D&C verses labor & delivery, because it all means one thing: you will not be bringing home the baby you loved and anticipated.
I think my issue is that people have one definition of what miscarriage or stillbirth means and to many they are just medical terms, not necessarily attached to the emotions that come with those terms. I understand too, I didn't know there will all different types of miscarriages and when exactly a baby was considered stillborn. I guess it is just hard to be on the other side of knowing all too well exactly what those words mean.
Does this bother any other babyloss moms out there? What are your thoughts?
I know what you mean. I say I had a still birth because I delivered Liam at 20 weeks and 5 days...but the ultrasound tech said he was measuring 17 weeks and i was carrying his dead body for two or more weeks...but I still say it was still birth cause I spent 8 hours in labor. Those terms bother me as well...he was not just fetal tissue to me..he was very well formed and beautiful
The terms definetly bother me! People don't understand the great variances in those two terms. Having gone through a first trimester missed miscarriage and a 2nd trimester loss at 23 weeks, while they are different experiences, the outcome is the same. I still am not bringing a baby home.
I remember during labor and delivery they kept saying "contents of the uterus". This started to bother me, as they were not just "contents" this is my baby!! I know in the medical world, they discuss everything matter of factly, but it still bothered me as it seemed they weren't acknowledging her as a baby.
I hear ya on this one. Words cannot describe the emotional experience and pain. People don't seem to get that we go through birth, or need to take medicines or have a d&c to "pass" our baby.
I remember reading another woman's blog that talked about this - that just because a baby has died in-utero doesn't mean they are magically removed somehow. We still have to give birth - just not as anyone ever imagines. While my daughter wasn't stillborn or a miscarriage, but termed a neonatal loss because she lived for 2 1/2 days - I don't experience too many people "getting it" that haven't been through it. We remember our children every day...regardless of what the medical community calls them at their time of death.
I get it and it really disgusts me. Blaine was 17 weeks and 3 days. The form at the hospital said I had an "inevitable abortion." I understand that that is the medical term but the word abortion automatically makes it sound like a willing decision to kill my baby. The doctors call it a miscarriage but the funeral home called him a still birth. I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, he's dead either way. But it would be nice to have him recognized as a baby. We didn't even get a birth certificate because of his age. I really think it has to do with the abortion laws. Because abortion is legal maybe they have to have clear definitions of what is legally a child and what isn't. When really it should be based on our intent as mothers. I would have fought tooth and nail to save my son. I never would have parted with him voluntarily. For me, the second sperm met egg he was a life.
I have been bothered by this too. We found out that Drew died on the day of my 16 week appointment. All of the doctors agreed that he had just died, perhaps even the day of my appointment. I have often wondered what would have happened if my appointment had been the week before (originally it was scheduled at 15 weeks) when he was still alive. How long would have I carried him before my body began the miscarriage process on its own? What if I had been able to carry him for another 4 weeks...then he would have been considered a stillbirth in need of a birth certificate. Instead we have a certificate of fetal demise which was required for the cremation. I understand why the medical profession has to have their defined terminology, but the cultural interpretations of those terms can really be upsetting. I was in labor for over 10 hours to deliver my perfectly formed son who died at 16 weeks gestation.
I think that the "medical community" has to have it's own terminology...while all of us in BLM world tend to beat to the drum of our own language. No one can understand why we feel the way we feel unless they have been through it... I'm in complete agreement with you though, no matter what you call it, the same holds true for all us, we don't have our babies physically living with us today. And in all reality, there are no words that can really express that feeling or emotion in the medical world.
I just wanted to comment on some comments- I lost V at almost 39 weeks but STILL wasn't granted a birth certificate. :(
This all just sucks.
I stumbled across your blog through You capture. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. Before I had a miscarriage I didn't understand the strong connection mothers feel toward their child instantly. I was only (only, as if that makes a difference really) 12 weeks along and I remember the nurses being so cold and when like since it was only 12 weeks it wasn't really a baby yet anyway. No matter what terminology you use I think everyone reacts to those words differently and unless they've been through it they can't even imagine what your heart goes through.