Another Month

Another month has passed and my heart still aches. Everyday gets further away from the day I delivered Oliver and closer to his due date, the day I dread because I know he won't be here, greeting us as he comes into the world.

Everyday is a reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. I'm not enjoying the last twenty weeks of daily kicks and watching my belly grow. I'm siting here with an empty womb, hoping another little one will take residence soon.

I am in a period of limbo. I had already made plans and had dreams of my family of 4 and that path took a wrong turn. I feel like those dreams and hopes are just dangling in front of me, but every day they get further away. Every month that goes by I worry, 'will it ever be a reality?'

These months have been filled with sadness, anger, questioning and waiting, but the days are getting easier.  It will always be hard to fully understand why, when we have no answers, but the days turn into acceptance.  I'm getting 'used' to my life now, this new life I never anticipated.  I sometimes wonder if I would even recognize the 'me' before this tragedy.

I think back to 3 months and 1 day ago, when I was blissfully happy and glowing in my pregnancy. That morning we were siting in the waiting room, anxious and excited, waiting for our ultrasound. I distinctly remember the family that came out before us. They had a long sheet of ultrasound photos and the brother and sister were admiring their little brother or sister.  Their Dad brought them over to their seats and sat with them to look at all the photos. Their smiles said it all. They were beyond excited. The ultrasound tech called my name and I grew even more excited to soon be walking out with our long sheet of photos to show off to everyone. But as we walked through the door into the room, it was the last time our little family of 4 was together and happy and there would be no long sheet of photos to show off to family and friends.

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and others 3 years ago.  I've learned so much about myself and the strength I have as a mother, wife and woman.  But it is still hard being strong everyday.

There are many days I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Those days when I want a break from thinking about grief and loss, wondering why me? why now? why Oliver?, worrying about bringing a baby safely into the world, and in general, questioning 'will I ever have the chance to have another baby?' Some days it is easier to wallow in self-pity and 'poor me.' But if anything, Oliver has taught me more about life, love and patience and everyday I attempt to move forward with hope and excitement for the future, for my family, myself and him.

As much as a doubt many things, part of my heart sees a bright future.  A happy family, watching our kids grow up and living a life full of happiness and love.  I will always miss and love Oliver and remember what he has taught me and brought to my life. And in the end, I'll be happy the day I get to meet him and most importantly, thank him for making me understand what it is all about.