Acceptance
I've already talked about letting go of control previously, but it is a topic that surfaces almost daily for me. I think like everyone that goes through a tragic event you inevitably wonder why me? what if? etc. It is hard to accept that this is your new life and that it is so different from the path you envisioned.
I've always been a worrier and even worried about a miscarriage, although pretty much before the 12 week mark. Even with all the worrying, it didn't prepare me for Oliver's death. I think it is the same in anything in life. You can prepare for a potential tragedy, but it will never soften the blow of it actually happening. There is ALWAYS something to worry about and if we think about it for too long it would confine all of us to a padded room, just to hide from future heartache. My goal is to not let the worry take over my life. If I waste away the rest of my years worrying about another tragedy, I'll miss all the amazing things and places my life offers and takes me. I know also if I dwell on the past, I'll be blind to the present and future joys in my life. It is a struggle to know how to incorporate the memory of someone that has died into your life, so that it is not all consuming yet not forgotten. Especially when that someone died before you even knew them.
Most days I still think about my parallel life, the one in which I am still pregnant and waiting for our son's arrival. I can't help but think of the movie Sliding Doors; how each event alters the course of your life. I think about how I would probably be taking being pregnant for granted, complaining about the aches and pains of the pregnancy and getting impatient having to wait another 2 months. I wouldn't know this heartache, but in turn I wouldn't know just how precious life is and how strong of a woman I can be. It is hard to look back on a path that took an unexpected turn, wishing it could have been different, but I can only hope this path leads to even greater happiness and bliss down the road.
I came across this quote by Joseph Campbell on the blog of a mother who also experienced the loss of her baby and thought it was perfect advice.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
In my pregnant life, I would be 37 weeks tomorrow, and I'd have a finished nursery upstairs instead of a still-intact guest room crowded with a changing table and boxes of baby hand-me-downs that have yet to be sorted, washed, or put away.
i think the question of how to incorporate our pain and memories into life so that we can keep living is the source of the guilt i so often feel. at first i almost always felt guilty anytime i had a positive moment, a smile, a laugh. then, when i realized one day that i was having a genuinely good time, and not feeling guilty about it - suddenly i felt guilty for not feeling guilty!!
it's like going in circles some days.
Acceptance. I think I'm there on most days but sometimes I have a moment, or an hour, or a day when I am angry and sad about what may have been. This is a beautiful post!
-Mary