Meeting in the Middle

Late at night when the house is quiet, I look at the toys strewn about the floor, the empty carseat sitting by the door and quietly look at the monitor waiting for a little sound. All of things that remind me of my little ones. I miss them when they are sleeping.  I miss the loudness of their voices and cries and I miss the quiet of their hugs, kisses and little breath. I think about how in a few short hours the day will begin. Both waking up at the same time, hungry and the demands of two little ones begins once again.  The chaos begins and we start all over.  

Life is on a whole new level of chaos with two little kids.  There are days when my answer to "What did you guys do today?" is "Survived!"  Separately they are easy, but together it is difficult to meet all of their needs all of the time.  Poor Carter gets put down so I can quickly make lunch for Natalie, or time with Natalie gets put on hold while I get him up for a nap. Change his diaper. Or feed him.  Somedays the schedules all flow perfectly together and there are other days where it is a complete train wreck.  Days where tears begin at breakfast.  But in the midst of it all there is happiness.  The tears never last very long and the smiles and laughter are more easily remembered.   

 

And those times, when both children are happy and I get to take it all in.  Those times where we meet in the middle between chaos and silence are perfect.  They are the times when I think to myself, "this is the life."  It is when I truly get to soak up my life.  The perfect and the imperfect.  The beauty of my small family and everything I have right now.  These are the memories I want to store away forever.

I'm finding that life in general is about the middle ground and finding your center.  My life right now is that sweet spot.  After the extreme lows and highs, I feel a sense of peace.  I've found the perfect spot in the middle.  When everything aligns, when everything feels right.

Life is warm and cozy right now.  A far difference from a year ago.  When the loneliness and the cold and barren land of grief gripped my days.  I was grateful for what I had but bitter at the life I had been given.  The unexpected twist that left me heartbroken and wondering why my life was so unfair.  Why a life was taken and never given a chance.  If only I had been given a glimpse of this. My life right now.  Peace may have been more easily found.

 

 

While it is easy to fall into my everyday life now with two little ones, I never forget how grateful I am to have a little boy to complete our family. A little boy who is happy and healthy. Sweet and silly. And has a smile that touches my soul. My everyday now was only a dream a year ago.  One in which I was never sure would happen.

I still find it hard to believe that Carter was born almost 3 months ago.  My life of anxiety and physical stress has been replaced with happiness and joy.  And while I know I'm far from protected from further heartache and pain down the road, right now my heart is enveloped in love. Total. Complete. Amazing. And beautiful love. 

And for now that is all I need.