36 weeks - Calming the anxiety

I'm so close to the end of this pregnancy, I can taste the happiness and relief of seeing our healthy little boy. Only 3.5 weeks left until my due date.  While it is going fast, it feels like he will never come.  I had my 36 week appointment and found out he has flipped and is now breech.  He has been head down the entire pregnancy and of course decides to flip around.  While he still has time to flip, the news is not exactly what I wanted to hear.  The anxiety is already mounting and now to have to worry about him possibly not flipping and having a c-section is not something I wanted to add to this already nerve wracking pregnancy.  I know the bottom line is a healthy baby, but I feel like I'm so close and now to add this at the very end is torture. 

If he doesn't turn this week, my dr has recommended an external version, where they attempt to turn the baby manually.  Of course, I've turned to the internet to read the good and the bad and it really is mixed.  I want more than anything to have a natural birth, but the idea of forcing the baby to move seems so unnatural, that perhaps it is better to just wait and see, letting him move on his own if he chooses, even though it may potentially end with a c-section.  It is done after 37 weeks because there is less chance of the baby turning back to a breech position, but of course like any procedure carries risks.  While I've been assured the risks are 'very rare,' the statistics don't make me feel any better.  I know I have more of a risk of something happening to our little guy by just driving or probably even walking, but to put yourself through a procedure that can directly affect your baby is scary to say the least.  It sounds like they never force the baby, if he just won't budge, but there is the risk of him not tolerating it well, my water breaking or the placenta detaching, in which case would lead to an emergency c-section, which is why they do it in the hospital under close monitoring.  Again, these are all rare and are highly unlikely to happen, but it just doesn't matter when you've already been through a 'rare' event.  There is nothing that eases the fear for me and I hate that I can't rationally think about it.  I'm so emotionally and physically tired, that I don't even want to think about the decision.   If only someone could just guarantee me a healthy little boy at the end, it would certainly take all of the anxiety away. 

While we still have some time for him to change positions (even up until 39 weeks) and for me to have the natural, unmediated birth I so hope for, it is difficult to even hear the possibility of a c-section and think about a procedure that could stress him.   A c-section is always a possibility, if something goes wrong at the time of labor, but I think now being in a position where it is something I may have to anticipate and prepare for, scares me.  I know plenty of women who have had successful c-sections and they have resulted in healthy babies, but it veers so far from the perfect picture in my mind; the one that has helped me get through this entire pregnancy, that I'm in denial right now even thinking there is a chance for one.  I know it won't matter how he arrives and in a month I'll look back and not care how he got here, whether naturally or by surgery.  I just don't know what to expect right now in regards to anything, his birth and health and that terrifies me.  While I am attempting to be as optimistic as possible, I'm finding the unknown is becoming more and more debilitating.

36 Weeks

My sister was visiting this past week and it is always refreshing to have her around.  We get along so well and watching her with Natalie is amazing.  Natalie loves her and being with her and their connection is adorable.  She will be back out a week before my due date and I'm so excited that she will most likely be here for the birth.  Unless, he comes before 39 weeks. And of course, the week was full of lots of photo taking. 

Despite the mounting stress and anticipation that comes in these last weeks, I still have this smiling face to be thankful for every single day.  Watching her take in the world is a privilege and I can't imagine not being her mom. She helps to keep me grounded on the days when my anxious brain is out of control.  Both she and my husband are everything I need and soon we will add one other family member to our bunch.   

I know I only have a few weeks left and I hope with all my heart that everything will perfectly fall into place.  He will enter the world however he needs to, healthy and happy and into the arms of a loving family.  While I know it is normal to have the mounting worries, especially a year after a loss, I will work hard to calm my anxious mind and focus on how our lives are about to change for the better.