33 Weeks

Wow I really can't believe that I am 33 weeks and that it is already April!  I know April will fly by and come May I will be counting down the days until our little boy's arrival.  My belly is still rapidly expanding and I feel like I am about as large as I was with Natalie at the end of her pregnancy. While I am so excited to be this far along and be so close to full term and actually holding this little guy, the physical and emotional stress certainly takes a toll.  It is all worth it when you see that little one for the first time, but I still worry about all of this time just vanishing into another heartbreak.

I'm so anxious to be 37 weeks and know that he is medically full term and could arrive healthy and alive.  Even now at 33 weeks he is probably getting close to 5 lbs, if still measuring bigger and would most likely do just fine.  But of course, I want him to cook as long as possible and would rather be spending my nights and days with heartburn, back pain and discomfort than long hours in the NICU.  I want him to be healthy and ready to come into the world on his own terms.  I just want a guarantee that that will happen for sure!

Luckily he is still really active, although I know as he grows in the next weeks, his movements will slow down a bit.  I'm sure there will be more worry and even now when I feel he has been particularly quiet my mind races, my heart rate increases and the sheer panic, just for a moment, runs through me. It has been an extra long wait for another child and now that I can taste it and know in less than two months he will be here, I just want that to start right now.

These last weeks are difficult regardless of a loss.  I remember with Natalie I was anxious to meet her and worried for her safety.  I was having horrible gallstones attacks in the last weeks of my pregnancy and just wanted to know she was ok and they weren't affecting her.  It is so difficult to not know what is fully going on in your own body and not know whether or not your body is taking care of your unborn child.  I know the extra panic comes because I had no intuition or sense that my body had failed with Oliver and worry will the same happen again.  Unknowingly, in my happy pregnant state, could my heart be broken once again?  The answer is yes, but I know unlikely.

Every week is long and filled with the aches and pains of the last trimester.  Every week often feels like one hour of pain med free labor.  I just have to remind myself that it will be over soon and while it will probably get worse as each week passes, the end result is what it is all about.  The moment he is here, nothing else will matter.  These late nights of physical and emotional stress will be replaced with a different kind of stress, but one that is far more manageable and far more rewarding.

The moment I see him and know he is fine is what gets me through.  I constantly daydream about the quiet moments that he and I will spend moments after delivery in our room.  Finally relaxing and having his warm body in my arms.  Watching him breastfeed, quietly rocking him to sleep and watching him take in the new world around him.  I realistically know those hours will be filled with plenty of cries, nurses visits and frustrations, but those moments won't be remembered.  It will just be about him and me and our family.  That's all that will matter.