The next milestone

In two days I have my 20 week anatomy scan. As good as I do feel about this pregnancy, the fears often push themselves in. Almost like the little devil on my shoulder, planting seeds of doubt and worry into my hopeful brain. I think it is human nature to brace yourself for potentially bad things to happen.  And when you've already lived through them, you know exactly how it feels.   I can't help but think about that last weekend before my ultrasound.  That Mother's Day weekend when I had no clue what was about to take place in 2 days.  I think about that now and what if this were my last weekend pregnant?  Or my last weekend with my family?  Losing Oliver has certainly given me a broader outlook and makes me more thankful for everyday I do have with my family, being pregnant and well just being alive in general. I try so hard not to take any of those for granted, but like anything it is easy to fall back into the daily grind of life.  It unfortunately takes those massive events to open your eyes to the potential of life and really what it means to live and love.

While I hate that there is more worry and fear with this pregnancy, I have to say it feels more like my first pregnancy.  I get excited (and nervous) for every milestone and love to just lie down feeling my belly hoping to feel little movements.  I think for most women their subsequent pregnancies just end up being a part of their lives with little notice to actually what is taking place.  It is easy to not take notice in your changing body, the little movements and bonding time with the new one, when you are chasing after a toddler or other kids.  And really when you've had no issues getting pregnant or haven't endured a pregnancy loss or complication, there isn't anything to signal that anything could go wrong. I'm taking the time with this pregnancy because I know what the alternative is.  While I could complain daily of the heartburn, the lack of sleep, constantly using the bathroom and just general lack of energy, it is 40 weeks that a little life will grow inside of me and become a part of our family.  It is a little person who hopefully we will get to nurture and watch grow outside the womb for many years of come. There isn't anything much better than that.

Somehow knowing we are having a little boy has made the bonding and excitement that much better.  My belly is expanding much more rapidly this time and I feel more movement.  I have a sense of peace right now about this pregnancy and feel like we actually will have a little baby at the end.  It worries me to think that way, like I've let my guard down, but really at this point I want to give this little baby all of the love and hope I can muster.

So in two days, I'll walk into that ultrasound room so excited to see our little guy again.  Of course, I'll be nervous, crazy nervous and probably tried from not getting any sleep the night before, but I hope to walk out with our long sheet of photos in hand and the beaming smiles that we missed out on last time. Last time, I didn't know there was any other alternative.  I thought all parents walked out with nothing but good news.  But I'll know at that very moment that I'm feeling on top of the world, that other women will be walking out empty handed, with tears streaming down their faces.  I'll know just how lucky I am to move one step closer to having a live child in my arms.