Halloween

We had a great Halloween.  I know it helped to have an adorable little girl who had so much fun walking from door to door in her costume, just enjoying the new experience.  My heart was so full watching her walk around, carrying her little bag and not once crying because of her costume or while meeting new people. She was just being herself and having fun. That is pretty much what 16 month olds do anyways, but tonight was different.  She did something completely new and different and had the biggest smile on her face.  It was easy to immerse myself in the day all for her enjoyment. Everything from finding the perfect costume, the matching bag and painting on the perfect whiskers.

I think with every holiday it is easy to reminisce on past holidays recalling how your life was the same or different.  Last Halloween, I never thought I would have been pregnant and then lost my son and be pregnant again all within a years time.  In January when I found out I was pregnant, I just knew by Halloween my life would drastically change.  I remember even thinking of writing as my facebook status, 'I've found my Halloween costume: zombie mother of two.'  Since afterall I would have a 3 week old around Halloween, so sleep deprivation would have been definite.  But this Halloween it was just my little kitty.  No little newborn to dress up in a cute little bunting outfit. As I look to the future, I certainly hope we have another little addition next Halloween. 

Now marks the rush into the holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I'm excited to watch Natalie experience the festivities and watch the beauty of Christmas unfold.  But I'm sad that we don't have a little newborn to enjoy them with as well.  This Christmas I'll be halfway through this new pregnancy, still waiting and wondering if our hope of a family of 4 will become a reality.  I'll look forward to gathering around the tree with our little family of 3, so thankful for what I do have, but wishing things were different at the end of 2010. 

I have my 12 week appointment tomorrow and really can barely contain the sheer fear.  I'm more nervous then excited and hate that the worse case scenario keeps running through my head.  I guess my biggest fear is my dreams will be shattered again and my pregnancy will come to a screeching halt without any warning.  I'm keeping the positive thoughts at the surface. Hoping and wishing as hard as I can that this little one has a future here with us as our son or daughter and Natalie's brother or sister.