Joining the Club
I always read the new stories on Faces of Loss and often spend hours visiting blogs. It is sad to me there will always be new stories. I look at those that just had losses in August and remember what that pain was like a few weeks out. I feel like a graduate almost now, being 4 months away from my loss. I'm not one of the new ones to the club. It is sad enough becoming part of the club because it means you lost a baby. But it also means you now know having a baby is not easy. There are risks, dangers and real possibilities a baby may not arrive alive on their due date.
This fact often haunts me. The fact that I will never be naive again and get a blissful future pregnancy. That I know so many things can go wrong at any stage. Sure I thought about them occasionally when pregnant with Natalie, but did I even really think I wouldn't be bringing her home, of course not. There were thoughts of what if something happens at birth, but it was merely a second of panic and then on about my day. I obviously didn't think about the real consequences and how my life would be completely altered. And really, you can't even fathom that.
I think I just envy those women who can go on never worrying that their baby won't make it. That thought never once crosses their mind. After all, once you get a positive pregnancy test you have a pretty high probability you WILL have a baby at the end of 9 months. And after you see the heartbeat, well start planning the nursery and pick out a name because this baby is coming...for sure (at least probability wise). The chances just keep going up, yet somehow I doubt that will be comforting during future pregnancies.
It just breaks my heart that more women join the club everyday. That they separate from the masses of women who get to have the textbook pregnancy and bring a child home. Those women who don't even know how lucky they are to at the end of the day birth a living baby, which concludes their pregnancy that they barely had to think about. Yet again, there is no way to explain that to someone who hasn't been there. No mind can possibly go there. Only the tragic event can bring upon the sorrow and heartache.
Unfortunately, I feel like it will be a number of decades before science comes closer to being able to explain so many of the miscarriages and stillbirths. Even if they could explain more of them, would they be able to prevent them? So for the time being, I'm happy there is support. That is about all we can give each other through this time. A place to be heard and a place to remember our children. A membership to a club filled with wonderful women and children who are so loved.
I do the same thing with Faces. When I log into my Google Reader and see that there are 11 new posts on the Faces blog I just want to cry...tears of heartbreak for women (families) who have lost babies and also tears of joy for women who have found Faces and who have found the courage to share their stories!
Oh, to be naive during pregnancy. I will never get that...I lost our first baby during our first pregnancy pretty early (around 8 weeks) and have since been cursed with the knowledge of all that could go wrong. I would love to have a blissful pregnancy of decorating a nursery and picking out names at 5 months, but I know it will never be for my family!
Thank you for your beautiful post!
I too am one of many who will never get to be blissfully unaware during pregnancy, our first angel baby was only 6 weeks when we lost "her" and then our second pregnancy ended up with the birth of my son Ethan who passed shortly after birth. I just posted my story to "Faces" and it was up today. Thanks for all you do to support mommies and daddies everywhere who are hurting.
Hugs! Ami
I found the Faces of Loss today, thanks to the badge in your sidebar. I lost my son almost 6 years ago, we will celebrate (mourn) his 6th birthday soon. This is the worst time of year, when I think about him the most and relive the grief. I do offer hope, however, that by 5 or 6 years out the grief may have dulled, but for me, it is dull but not gone. This child will be with me always, these children will be with us always.
I am working on my story to share with "Faces." I am happy to have found it. Thanks for your wonderful site.
I know exactly what you mean. I'm pregnant again with my rainbow, and this pregnancy has been so full of joy, and restored hope. But it has also been full of so many fears that haunt me, because I know so many ways things can go wrong. I keep thinking, maybe the next pregnancy will be different, after I've experienced bringing home at least 1 healthy baby. But I know that is not true. I know I will never experience that pure, naive bliss.
I was just talking to a friend and fellow BLM about this very topic today, how we have lost our innocence regarding pregnancy. We can no longer just let go, be happy, and feel that things like that don't happen to people like us. We know all to well the worst case scenario so it's impossible for our minds not to go there.
I have truely only experience 11 weeks of a naive pregnancy.. my first was a missed miscarriage discovered at my 11 week appointment, and my second I worried the entire time, which changes nothing.. all of my worrying and fears did not save my daughter... One thing all of this has told me is that, children are the most precious gift, and a healthy child born is truely a miracle!
Sometimes I find myself frustrated/jealous with those naive in pregnancy. I remind myself to step back and let them enjoy it. I wish them a happy and healthy pregnancy with all of my heart. They may not know how much I really mean this, as most women will never have to worry because most will not be joining this club.