Restless
It seems like as every day passes and gets closer to my due date an extra weight is added. The anxiety gets worse, the hope fades and I just feel so restless. I hate the feeling of being 'behind', of waiting for the excitement of another pregnancy, and worrying if I'll even get the chance. I'm so grateful to have one child already, but I anticipated a second, since I was pregnant, that I've tasted the excitement, joy and anticipation. I want another a child and I have to start all over, not knowing if it will be 1 month or 1 year until that dream becomes a reality. I feel like a 6 year old little girl. Throwing my fists in the air, stomping my feet and yelling, 'I don't want to." I just don't want to start over, but I have no other choice.
I was working on putting together the post for Natalie's 14 month entry yesterday and also put together an entire slide show of Natalie's first year in photos today. I'm so happy I've captured every moment in her first year, but these were a blatant reminder that there will be no photos or memories with Oliver. No folders in Aperture labeled, Oliver - 1 month, 3 month, 1 year. It makes me that much more grateful for every photo and memory with Natalie, but it doesn't take away the pain of missing my second child.
I know there are so many other babyloss moms out there going through these similar feelings at this very moment. It is hard to feel like you have 1 good day for every 5 bad days and sometimes those bad days feel like the early grief, that pain that you thought was behind you. Yes, the days get easier, but some days and weeks it seems like the cloud stays around for a little bit longer, before it lifts to give you a reprieve.
I am such a logical person, that these emotional ups and downs catch me completely off guard. They aren't anything I can logically think through and that frustrates me to no end. I just want a plan and to know by this date I will feel like myself again. But I know I'll never be the person I was before and there is no time line that anyone can give me. It certainly is a difficult and overwhelming path and a lonely one at that. I know things will get easier, and they already have, but with one hard day comes back the flood of emotions and sorrow and the unfairness of it all. And the little 6 year old inside of me takes hold even more, wanting to throw a tantrum, in hopes it will all just go away.
I so get this Andrea. When we lost our son, the whole thing just threw me over the edge. I am a control freak for sure and when we lost the baby it was something I had no control over whatsoever. I learned so much about myself after that for sure.
you and I sound so similar. I am such a planner and am usually very logical. But I don't know how to be patient. I don't know how to just let things happen because I want to plan out my life and family. And it's hard to navigate these emotions when my brain is telling me one thing and my heart and soul are screaming another.
happy 14 months to Natalie!! I remember when my daughter was that age, all of the new adventures she was trying out and new words she was learning.
Wow, your words about being behind are so true. I am so far behind what I should be. I should have a baby in 2 months, I should be 32 weeks pregnant. Now I'm just trying to get pregnant again. I am so very far behind.
I wish it would all just go away and that things would be back to the good days, when I was very happily pregnant and excited. I hope we have those days again soon, I wish we could know when those days would be here. It would be so much easier if you could just know.
I understand what you mean. I wish I could know how long before I'm pregnant again. I wish I could know exactly what caused me to lose my beautiful baby at 20 weeks, so that I could make sure to prevent it next time. I should be 25 weeks and 3 days today. Instead, we have to start all over. If I could know things would be better in the future, it would make this pain just a little easier.
That's exactly what I said to my husband this weekend "if I could just know that we would have another healthy baby, I could just sit back and relax". Instead I too feel like kicking, screaming and pulling my hair out. Pleasepleaseprettyplease...
I completely understand, and you are not alone. The unpredictability of this grief is very difficult, to feel one day that you have made steps forward and in the next moment feeling like you just lost your baby yesterday.
the timeline is so hard, as well as the uncertainty. if i could look into my future and see myself as the happy mom of a living, breathing child, i could relax a bit, just knowing that it *will* eventually happen. but right now i feel so much anxiety when i think about the future.
Don't we all have that 6 yr. old in us...I know I do. And ironically, this pregnancy is still fraught with stress and anxiety. Still waiting in anticipation for the moment that I can breath deeply and let the weight of the world slip off my shoulders.
I hope that for me, you ...all of us really! I wish there were some magic word, some pill, some silly rhyme that a 6 yr. old would say that would make it all better. But, like you said...time is it ~ we have to live through it, live with it, and finally make nice with the pain and hurt, so that we can stay 'sorta sane.'
Hang in there sweetie! I am sending you a big hug! And I think of your sweet Oliver often, as I look at mine...knowing how two special boys share a special name.
I totally get what you are saying..It's been 15 months since I lost my daughter, Denise at 25 weeks 6 days, and I still have glimpses of grief that wash over me from out of nowhere. It blindsides me for a day or two then I am back to my new normal.