Risk

In general, I am not much of a risk taker. I mean, everything in life involves risk, but I am a research, think about it for days, then make a rational decision kind of person. I know I like to have control and hate surprises that were not on my envisioned path. This past year has definitely tested my controlling nature and it is slowly teaching me that I can't control everything and I'm going to have to ok with that.

I can still have control over little things, like researching the best car seat, finding the best electrician and getting the best deal online, but when it comes to risking your heart, there is no preparation for the potential outcome. I first risked my heart when I married my husband. I only dated one person and married him, because I never wanted to give my heart to more than one person. My Dad always told me, "You can only give your heart to a few people, because once you have you will never get it back." This of course is fine, if you give it to the right people, but there are those that won't care for it. Loving someone is one of the greatest risks because you have no control over how the other person feels. I risk my heart everyday being in love, but with that risk comes pure contentment and happiness.

Like most people, you never really realize what you have until you lose it. Even after Natalie was born, I knew I loved her and that our mother/daughter bond was impenetrable, but I never realized how early it began until I lost Oliver. I never considered my heart to be at risk when I was pregnant because I guess I never thought I could potentially lose a child. I always knew the rate of a miscarriage before hearing the heartbeat was high and have been overly cautious about getting 'invested' before than, but like every pregnancy book tells you, your risk is considerably lower by the second trimester. You can't ever prepare to have your heart broken. You hear stories of miscarriage, stillbirth and death and how they all end in heartache, but it is easy to pass that by as a story of someone else and go about your own life. But when they happen to you, you inevitably reevaluate your life.

I've gone back and forth about the risks of having another child. There are moments, when my heartaches so much, that I don't want to take on the potential risk of losing another child. Yes, I have the same low 3% chance of losing a baby past the first trimester, but when you find yourself in that category, that low number carries no comfort. But in those moments, I know that I have to risk it all in order to give my heart to another little one. It is terrifying to give up the control and put my heart on the line again, but it is the only way to receive love and happiness in return.

"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down." ~Ray Bradbury